happiness or contentment?

"Happiness is getting what we want; contentment is wanting what we get." This quote by Linda Dillow from a book that my Mom sent me captures well my current faith struggle. Will I keep striving for an elusive happiness that always seems just around the corner? Or will I work to be content with the life God has provided for me today?

I'll be honest. Often I choose to exchange contentment for the pursuit of happiness. Especially at this stretch of the year in Philadelphia. We had a winter storm this past week that left us with a lot of snow and ice and blasts of cold. I hate the cold. I really do. There is nothing about shivering that's appealing to me. Visions of moving to Florida or California or somewhere where it stays above freezing all year become my happiness. I get tired of indoor activities and working out at the gym. I'd much rather be outdoors...if it weren't so dang cold.

And I also miss my family. I feel like I'm missing out on their lives -- both joys and struggles. Like hanging out with my brothers and enjoying the celebrations and planning of my brother Jonathan's wedding in May. Or being with my Grandma as she undergoes some major surgery this week. In moments like this, Philadelphia feels so far away from it all. And I feel gripped by discontentment.

What would it look like for me to cultivate contentment? I think it means honestly admitting the places where it's hard, but entrusting these to a God who sees, knows, and cares about me. It means asking for grace to appreciate the good about today, asking for eyes to notice what's delightful in a day. It means meditating on these things more than what I wish was different. So I can glory in the beauty of the snow-covered landscape that becomes magically iridescent at twilight. And I can be thankful for the amazing community of friends God's provided for us here. I will delight in a loving husband and our small-but-cozy & warm apartment. I will enjoy the freedom of our dual-student schedule (instead of focusing on the financial liabilities of this situation...!). And I am glad that in our age of technology, phone calls and emails make it much easier to stay in touch with those who are far away.

On top of all this, I can take great joy that what is most important about life is settled for me. This world will be full of light and momentary troubles, but because of Jesus Christ who has redeemed me from my sin, I am promised that these very troubles will turn into "an eternal weight of glory." What must that be like? I'm reminded of a college professor who always posed this question to us, that seems to best capture my imagination of eternity: "When I see the glory of a sunset, and I think about its Creator -- I always ask, 'What must He be like who gives such beauty to close every day?' "

In celebration of Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is coming up (ready or not), and I know for many people it's an occasion of sadness. Wishing there was that "special someone" to romance you like you've only dreamed of. Or maybe you're happy to be single...and it's just an unpleasant annual reminder that our world is often one that's couple-centric. I've definitely been there. And also at a place where sadness became bitterness as I remembered unrequited love on this annual Lovers' Day. It is also a holiday that's certainly been over-sentimentalized by Hallmark and our consumer-driven society.

All disclamors aside, I am personally excited about this Valentine's Day. It is good for me to have another day of the year especially dedicated to expressing my love and appreciation for my husband. Only 5 months into marriage, and I could see how easy it becomes to take love and marriage for granted. Or to get mad and disappointed because love and marriage don't live up to their promises (that our culture tells of perfect bliss and happiness). But were they meant to live up to these promises?

I don't think so. Love to another person will always hold disappointment at some level. Romantic and marital love is no exception! That is why we were made for a love that's eternal: that of God through Jesus Christ. The best of loves can only be experienced in the context of His love...a love that loved us first. A love that keeps loving us in the midst of our weaknesses and failings. A love that loves us enough to provide for our deepest need: that of forgiveness of sin against a God we've rejected. That's a love worth celebrating. Certainly more than once a year!

And it is in the context of this love that Seth and I are building our marriage. It's our only hope for truly being able to love one another. As Christ's love motivates and empowers our love for one another, we each experience more of His love. And so on this Valentine's Day, I celebrate in Seth the ways he's shown me Christ's love.

#1: By pursuing me when I was stubbornly independent and self-protective. His persevering love won me over...certainly by the time of this picture on last Valentine's Day, when he took me to Bistro Romano after giving me a dozen long-stem red roses, and then continued in his extravagance to give me a gift certificate for private dancing lessons as a Valentine's gift. Wow!


#2 Definitely by asking me to marry him...committing his life to mine, promising to love me "till death do us part." This is a picture from our engagement day in Central Park: 3/17/06.


#3: By having fun with me...and accompanying me on my busy social schedule, especially during our engagement. This picture is from my friend's engagement party in Delaware. He is wonderful at really getting to know my friends and engaging them in conversation. I appreciate that about him. And I certainly tested this ability many times!!


#4: By his tenderness and the way that he loves me even when I'm grouchy and grumpy. He finds a way to make me smile, like in this picture. :)


#5: By his protection and steadfast faithfulness. I know that he won't break the covenant promises he made to me on August 26, 2006, because he made them in the strength and sufficient grace of God. This is such an encouragement to me as I uphold this covenant of marriage with him. On the good days and even more so the bad days...!

self-realizations

Realization #1: I am no longer a South Carolina resident. Mailing in the license plate which advertises our "Smiling Faces" and "Beautiful Places" framed by the Blue Ridge Mountains and a palmetto tree makes it official. My car now sports the much plainer yellow-and-blue striped Pennsylvania plate. (and I must say that "smiling faces" wouldn't fly for their state motto, at least not in the winter in Philadelphia...beautiful places they do have, but PA's sadly lacking in either mountains or palmetto trees) So although I will always be a Carolina girl at heart, there are now no official residential ties. No more SC drivers license or SC license plate to flag me as such...they'll just have to guess it from my smiling face (ha!) and the pictures I have of beautiful places from SC. And every now and again the slight Southern twang that emerges with a "y'all."

So onto realization #2, which also has a few pictures to grace it. As I walked into the mall for a little Saturday shopping with some Christmas money, I carried my small red purse. I've prided myself on being able to maintain the simplicity of a small purse with everything that I need easily accessible: the cell phone, the wallet, and my keys. Maybe a pen or two and some lip gloss. And my granola bar (today). And then what about that book I wanted to bring to read while I waited for my friend at Starbucks? I quickly became frustrated as I tried to cram the granola bar beside the keys, the wallet, and the phone...and be able to zip the purse so that it would neatly contain all that was within. So that I could keep my image of simplicity together.

Then it dawned on me. This is like my life. I want the illusion of simplicity and ease. That I can keep everything together and am quite organized. But the truth is that I can't. My life is more messy than what can be contained in my "real simple" image. Our house might be organized right now, but after a few weeks of work/school/study/life, I will probably have a hard time finding the credit card bill on my desk because of the papers and books and counseling articles piled on it.

I wanted to be able to keep a small purse. But my life just can't be contained in it anymore. So I bit the bullet, and used some Christmas money to buy a bigger purse...a lot bigger. There was space for everything, and room to spare. Next time I'll bring my book with me. And my journal, planner, camera, photo album, husband... oops, I got a little carried away there. I don't think he would come along shopping with me even if I did offer to carry him all the way!

So I will embrace a bigger purse and the reality that life is more complicated (and fuller) than the simplicity I aim for.