hidden glory

my blog has moved

2008-04-22T11:54:00.001-04:00

My new blog address is: http://heathernelson.wordpress.com/

I'll be posting there from now on. Thanks for visiting ...

an article worth reading

2008-04-14T13:50:00.003-04:00

I just discovered this amazing article on the Burnside Writers Collective about the importance of love and what keeps us from it.

Check it out -- I had to pass it on: "Have you loved well?"

life in the Psalms

2008-04-06T20:26:00.002-04:00

I've been reading through the Bible again, this time in large sections rather than detailed exegesis. I wanted to be able to get a bird's eye view of the themes. To not lose the elements of literature that I can too easily miss when looking at minutiae. Seminary was a great experience on many levels, but it was also easy to lose the awe of God and his Word for the academic study I engaged in.

So I got to the Psalms last week. And I decided I would read ten at a time. (except for the longest one, Psalm 119) I wasn't sure how this would be. But what I'm gleaning is the broad range of patterns for conversing with God the various psalmists set for us. It's quite amazing how one psalmist in one psalm (or throughout several) can range from dire distress crying for relief to joy and rejoicing at God's evident goodness, from asking for vengeance for his enemies to pleading for help from their overpowering strength. In the Psalms, I find the words for every emotional state I could be in. There are ones of deep despair (try Psalm 88) as well as ones full of rejoicing (like Psalm 104) and many that are a mix of both (Psalms 42, 57).

The Psalms can give my heart words to express to God when my own run dry. They meet me when I'm sad, but they don't leave me there. They bring me to a place of rejoicing because of trusting in the steadfast love of God that's truer than my emotions.

Read them if it's your first time or your 100th. You'll find life in these poems of the heart.

A sampling of my favorites this time around:

Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. (86:4)
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you,
who walk in the light of your presence, Lord.
They rejoice in your name all day long ... (89:15-16)
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens. (68:19)
The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders;
where morning dawns, where evening fades,
you call forth songs of joy. (65:8)

fun things about February

2008-03-11T22:50:00.002-04:00

Wow...it's been awhile since I've posted. Instead of my usual bemoaning during this time of year when I begin to feel like winter has out-stayed its welcome, I wanted to report that there were actually fun things that happened in February. Since I do a lot of counseling during the week, I like to think of these things as categories of "therapy" (ha, ha). Therapy that is perhaps "out of the box." But practices that, nonetheless, can be refreshing to a woman who tends to pour herself into work and ministry at the expense of good soul-care and relationships with people I love.

Without further ado, I introduce my new therapy method #1: IKEA therapy -- Seth and I practiced this with great delight in being able to get rid of his bachelor-esque TV cabinet in exchange for a new one. We actually had fun putting the furniture together (I call it "adult Legos"). And we added this beautiful wine cabinet below as well:

And now, the therapy that ALL who live in wintry climates already practice, or at least strive to: #2: beach therapy. Nothing does the soul and body better than taking a flight to Ft. Lauderdale to visit a good friend and soak up the sunshine. Although it was only a couple weeks ago, it already seems too far away!!

My first journal entry shows the immediate success of such practice: "I sit on a white sand beach under a sunny, brilliant blue sky as turquoise waves crash in front of me. And I am SO thankful to you, Lord, that you sent me away to be refreshed in a land of eternal summer with a good friend."

And a spontaneous poem came out as well:
Palm trees in paradise
Instant spring
Warmth -- from the inside out
Joys of old friendship
Resurrection life
Returning to refreshment
And rest. Thanks again, Nan & Pete, for hosting me!! I would say beach therapy has been quite successful.

Seriously, an article (in Discipleship Journal by Ben Patterson) that I read about TRUE everlasting Joy, found not in a place or in new furniture, sums up what I long to practice every day: "...the joys of a day were signpost to Joy, to the good and gracious God ... The reason I loved that day was because it was a little like the God who gave it."

happy valentine's day!

2008-02-14T17:25:00.003-05:00

I'm reading (and writing my way through) a new book, "The Writer's Way" by Sara Maitland. I'm only a couple chapters in, but I highly recommend it for anyone wanting to brush up on their writing. One of the first exercises she suggests is doing free writing associated with a color. Since today is Valentine's day, I chose pink. And here's a poem that came out of it. It's quite rough and both deep and cheesy at parts ... but I think that's how life is! You have to laugh and you have to cry.

So anyway ... here it is. And happy Valentine's day! Know that you're loved and celebrate that. Laugh (and cry if you need to) at my lil' poem. Seth and I are off to a Flyers game (the Philadelphia hockey team) and we'll be doing a romantic dinner tomorrow night. His night, her night ... ha, ha!

Pink … it makes me think
Of a ribbon reminding me of breast cancer
That my mother survived
And the roses with which my husband pursued me
And won me over with his charm
Real charm
Sunsets
Baby girls
Future daughters?
Valentine’s day candy hearts
Whose messages I wanted to live by
But whose taste I could never stand
Pink…

january in review

2008-01-26T15:36:00.000-05:00

So it has been a fast January. Not quite as fast as December, but nearly so. I guess it goes quicker when life picks up the pace! I think I got myself in trouble for all of the times I said in December, "Oh, let's do that in January. I'll get to it then."

Church planning meetings, counseling center influx of intakes (blame it on my own theory of the combination of post-Christmas blues/New Year's resolutions/family issues that resurfaced through holiday gatherings), more ministry crises than usual ... Let's just say it makes me all the more thankful for this Saturday of no definite plans except dinner with good friends. Rest is such a crucial part of what's needed for us as humans who grow tired and weary quite easily.

Highlights of this month were a visit from my Dad a couple weeks ago. He was here on business, so Seth and I met him for dinner at Maggiano's -- see picture below. We had a great time!

Another highlight continues to be our church, and especially celebrating our one year anniversary on January 6. The luncheon afterwards was amazing -- some of the best food I've ever had. We were overjoyed and surprised when pictures made it to the front page of the local community newspaper, The Chestnut Hill Local. What a celebration of God's work from beginning to end!

One of the fun gatherings this month was a baby shower for two mothers-to-be expecting their babies within the month. We had a great turn-out and such a wonderful time together. Here are some pictures below:

So...that's January in a nutshell. One other accomplishment that can't go un-celebrated is the capture of a mouse who had grown a bit too comfortable in our apartment. He welcomed us home when we got back from Christmas by scampering across the foyer, and he continued to let his presence be known through waking us up at night with the sound of his late-night snacking on something loud in our trashcan. Not to mention the trail of evidence we would discover the next morning ... chocolate cookies eaten through, a plant dug up, plastic bags chewed through ...! Ugh ... what a nuisance! We were thankful to finally trap him ... hopefully no friends of his will show up. So far, so good. We'll keep it that way.

New Year's rituals

2008-01-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

A new year has arrived! And with it usually comes a new slew of guilt for the resolutions I didn't seem to get to last year. But actually, that's not the case since I have purposely stopped making many New Year's resolutions because of my propensity to feel guilty so easily. I forget that my righteousness and my identity isn't equated with my ability to keep laws I make for myself. Like go to the gym daily or to try to get up earlier every day or to eat only healthy food or to learn how to enjoy winter. The truth is that I can't keep up with my own laws.

Much less those God requires of us. And so I begin this new year thankful afresh that it's not about my ability to keep laws, but it's Christ's righteousness for me. It's Christ being brutally torn apart on the cross to turn away God's wrath that I rightly deserve because of sin -- this is where I get my righteousness and my identity. It's his life for mine. I was reminded of this last night through a Bible study on Galatians that Seth led. Again my heart was renewed by the gospel: the fact that I can do nothing but Christ did everything. And once again I fell in love with the beautiful truth of Galatians 2:20 - 21

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.

So instead of New Year's resolutions, I fall back on the ritual of taking the New Year as an opportunity to renew my hope in who Christ is and to ask Him to do the unimaginable in the year to come.

On a totally different note -- my last few days at home, I used the New Year as an excuse to finally start cleaning out my stuff that remains in "my" closet at my parents' home. And besides the 5' wide Amy Grant poster from the 90s, the funniest thing I found was a writing composition I wrote in 4th grade, at age 9. Read it and laugh:

My brothers are big pests. My littlest brother, Bryan wrecks everything. Two or three weeks ago, I made up a lego house and a lego car to go with it. Guess what Bryan did? He was in the room where I had my legoes and wrecked it. I was so mad at him I could have kicked him to the moon! That's just one story, but he's done several other things. My other brother, Jonathan, is a big pest too. He is always minding my business.

And there the composition abruptly ends. Probably for the best of everyone. The more ironic thing is that my grade was a "Good!" with a smiley face. What was that teacher thinking?

I am quite thankful that I grew up to now LOVE spending time with my two "pesty" brothers. And that they grew beyond the "wrecking" stage of things as well. And that our family has grown, through Jonathan's marriage to Nicole which adds a sister to our family, too -- what I've always wanted. We had so much fun over Christmas break together in South Carolina, celebrating Christmas "re-loaded" (4 days after Christmas) and New Year's Eve and having many late night chats in between. I only wish we all lived closer and that our time together as a family was more often than twice a year! It gives me a taste of Heaven ... when eternity will be adequate to enjoy relationships as they were meant to be.

'tis the season ...

2007-12-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

How would you complete that phrase? "Tis the season ... " To fight crowds in hopes of finding the perfect gifts for that relative who has everything? To make sure you get your Christmas cards out in time? To fill your schedule with holiday parties? To forget what all of this is about: celebrating, giving and receiving gifts, singing carols, decorating your home, attending parties, going to special services and events?

Every year it seems that I fight the same thing -- missing Christmas for the hustle and bustle surrounding it. Yet this year has been slightly different. Yes, it's busy. (six Christmas parties in one week!) Yes, I have braved the crowded shops and malls to purchase gifts (and still have a few remaining to buy). We haven't done Christmas cards -- but I want to and plan on at least doing an email Christmas update. So what is different?

A bit more time to reflect. Just a bit. No final exams for the first time in three years has allowed for more time to enjoy this season. To slow down, to remember, to reflect.

At one of the parties of the past week, I was talking to someone about her dinner group that she's a part of. She made the offhand comment, "It's so great to meet monthly because that way I don't have to try to keep up with each person individually." And for a second, I absolutely agreed with her. It makes sense to my mind that seems programmed to seek efficiency. But is that really love? Or is that viewing people as one more task, obligation, duty?

And imagine if God had decided on the efficient route of salvation. I don't think it would have involved God becoming a human baby, born in a dingy stable amidst animals. I don't think it would have meant that Jesus was poor. He could have suddenly appeared in all His glory to be the King of the world, abolishing poverty, sickness and sorrow in an instant and calling all people to follow His reign. Because He's God, He could have also made all people's hearts turn toward Him instantaneously.

But He chose instead a path of "inefficiency" as we might label it today. He was born to the poor; His birth announcement came not to the highest officials of the land but to shepherds on the nightwatch. He had to be fully human (while remaining fully God) so He could offer full salvation. The promise of redemption and hope to "a people dwelling in darkness" (from a prophecy in Isaiah 9). And this path ended in excruciating suffering at the cross. Suffering never fits with my definition of efficient.

My challenge as I pause to reflect at moments this year is to remember Christ's birth -- to reflect on this great salvation, this amazing miracle, that came to the humblest and the poorest. To take a break from my efficient goals and actually love the people around me by taking time to enter into their lives wherever they are. This is the mystery of the incarnation.

a tribute to the Carreras

2007-11-18T21:32:00.001-05:00

I just spoke with Mrs. Carrera (fka Katherine Oliver) on the phone. They only just arrived back from their honeymoon. And so I definitely want to give a tribute and some reflections on their wedding weekend celebration. Here they are at their fab. rehearsal dinner at Maggiano's (truly appropriate pick for his Italian family). Aren't they a beautiful couple? Truly. His dark and handsome with her blond and glamorous ... they'll have some cute kids one day!!

And what's even more beautiful is their inner character that is even more stunning. Both gave much glory to God for bringing them together at the right time. The character of Christ radiates through them both as well. They are truly a perfect match for one another. Each bringing out new things in the other. I've seen it and witnessed it through their relationship.

It was a wonderful weekend of celebration, from the bridesmaids' shower on Thursday evening to the moment they pulled out of the Vinings Club en route to their honeymoon. There was much joy -- many reminders of the gift that marriage is meant to be. I loved celebrating this with Seth and also with my parents who came down from South Carolina. Funny bit of trivia: Katherine's father and my Dad were actually fraternity brothers at Furman Univ. and were also groomsmen in each other's weddings! It's a small world, after all ...

And so it was only fitting for us both to become instant friends when we met during high school at a summer camp and to keep up over the years since -- though we've never lived in the same city. She has been such an encouragement to me to keep turning to Christ. I feel as if we're always discovering new insights about our life in Christ when we talk. And her passionate love for Christ is always a challenge to me ... me who can be so rational about God sometimes, to the detriment of passion.

So now I "raise my glass" as I did a week ago Saturday to Mr. and Mrs. Carrera as they embark on the adventure of marriage. There are deep waters, heights of joy, and the hope of ever-increasing love in the mystery called marriage. As they keep Christ central, they will find the wisdom to navigate it all.

a pumpkin fall

2007-11-06T23:21:00.001-05:00

Have you seen "the pain of the mundane" for long enough? As I was perusing my blog, I realized it might be time for something else. Like a newer post. And one that lists my favorite things about fall. With some pictures.

Let's start with pumpkins. I really am loving pumpkins this fall. They're just so cheerful. And the pumpkin-scented candle from Yankee Candle Co. smells wonderful. And of course the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks is a favorite staple of the season. Who doesn't love them? And pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin pie ... oh my.

Also apple picking -- which is what these pictures are from. We went to Solebury Orchards with my parents-in-law about a month ago, and it was the perfect day for it. And what better thing to do after apple picking than to (attempt) to bake an apple pie? Which is, yes, another favorite aspect of fall.

What else do I love? The brilliant leaves. The chilled air that's not yet bitterly wintry but rather crisp and fresh. Even now that the time has changed and it gets dark so early, it makes the evenings feel cozier.

Probably what I like the most is the fact that I am enjoying and appreciating fall this year. Instead of years past when I would dread it because it meant winter was on its way. No doubt that winter is well on its way this year, but I am in a good place. With a husband I love, in two jobs I enjoy, a church we feel refreshed by, and learning contentment because of Christ.

In the past month, I've cried as I heard the testimony of a new believer who joined our church. And I've celebrated with the other 50 founding members of Cresheim Valley Church
I have found refreshment in God's Word through a weekend women's conference I attended (Women in the Word) and through studying it, discussing it, and being encouraged by it with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Both through my responsibilities (privileges!) at Chelten Baptist and Cresheim Valley Church and through friends.

It's been a good month. And did I mention how much I'm looking forward to my best friend's wedding this weekend? Nothing like sharing in the joy of another ... in the celebration of a marriage. And getting a front row seat as her matron of honor! There will be reflections and pictures to follow, I'm sure.

the pain of the mundane

2007-10-18T22:12:00.000-04:00

Following such a beautiful post is the other reality of life: the glory we reflect and seek is often buried under the mundane annoyances of each day. The glory isn't always (or often?) so obvious as when beholding a beautiful newborn or an oceanic landscape. It is found in relationship, yet our relationships can never escape the strain we put on them. We seek in another human what we can only know through a redeemed relationship with our Creator through Christ.

And we seek this most intensely from the relationships closest to us. A spouse, a parent, children, a best friend. ... The list goes on. Yet these relationships always expose (1) our need for a Redeemer due to our own lovelessness and (2) our unfulfilled desire for a divine, eternal love. The book I've been savoring lately, Mystery of Marriage (by Mike Mason), starts here: "For one of the most profound ways in which the Lord touches us, and teaches us about Himself and His own essential otherness, is through the very limits He has placed upon our relationships."

It's been a hard week. Not because of any extenuating circumstances, but just because of the pain of the mundane. Today holds two great examples -- bookends to an ok day in between -- but left me resentful at either end. This morning, when I finally sat down and was attempting to quiet my busy heart before the Lord in His Word, that was the exact moment (i kid you not) when the lawn mowers started at our apartment complex. Not just the lawn mowers, but also the weed eaters and who knows whatever else kind of LOUD machine they could find to use at 8:15 this morning. We live on the courtyard -- which means the noise reverbates and is amplified. Ugh. I was beyond annoyed. Actually livid at these workers who dared to disrupt my silence. (and to be honest, God my Father who I believe is in control of even details like this -- couldn't He have rearranged things a bit??)

Catch the irony as I relay to you what I was trying to read amidst the noise (again from this amazing book The Mystery of Marriage): "Other people, let's face it, confront us directly with the reality of love or hate that is in our hearts...that is why everyone bears a secret resentment toward everyone else, simply for being alive. We resent everyone for revealing so accurately and so openly and so painfully the depth of our own lovelessness."

Ouch.

I illustrated this truth (sad to say) a second time today as well. I went to library to return some books and to check out two novels by Penelope Lively (great author -- I just finished her book "Consequences"). As I was checking out, the librarian informed me that I had a $7 fee. For two videos that we had returned late. (they charge $1/day -- a rip off!!) And, no, she informed me, they don't take credit cards. And, unfortunately, since it was over $5, I could not check out my books.

I was livid.

At her? Sort of. But even more so at the way this interaction revealed my loveless heart. I wanted to give her hateful glances (and I think I did...) and make her pay for getting in my way.
And I probably won't even see her again. Why so resentful?

It's the pain of the mundane. It gets me. It makes me struggle to believe that God's good, He's a Father, He's working all for good for me His daughter. His beloved. His glory reigns in the earth -- in people, in His creation. But I am so blind too often.

So at the end of today, this is my public confessional. And desire for repentance. To turn away from my self-centered desires that make people my enemies and be restored to my Creator and to His people as those He calls me to love. To ask Him for love as I'm desperately aware of my lovelessness...instead of resenting those who remind me of my need.

beautiful life

2007-10-08T21:54:00.001-04:00

Tonight Seth and I went to the hospital to welcome our friends' new baby into the world. As I held this little warm cuddly bundle in my arms, I was amazed anew by the beauty of creation as reflected through a newborn. She really is a beautiful baby. Her parents are so proud (as well they should be!). And also tired ... she was just born at 2:00 am this morning. I don't think I've ever held a baby this new. It really was a worshipful moment for me. I was in awe that our big, splendid God would "knit together," as the psalmist says, this tiny creation to reflect His glory. What must our God be like? That He chooses to put His image into each little human! All of you who are parents know this wonder magnified 100s of times over as you hold this baby who is yours. So...that's my tribute to little Aiyla Altman. Here's a picture of her:
It's been a good few days of getting doses of beauty ... Seth and I had a last-minute opportunity to get away to a friend's oceanfront home at Long Beach Island, New Jersey, for a few days this past weekend. What a refreshment it was for us to just be there ... to wake up to the sounds of the ocean and the occasional squawk of a seagull ... to walk 50 yards and be on the beach with the sand between our toes. It was a renewal for us as we worshiped the God of glory so evident in His creation and as we rested in His love for His children and our love for one another. (the latter impossible truly without the former!) As I journaled, I wished that there was a way to bottle up the day to be opened "as needed" in the winter to come. I do dread it ... but am SO thankful for the very rare summer-like warm days October has held so far ... and so I will ask for grace to endure winter when it gets here. And enjoy this beauty while it lasts.

Glory -- seen both in the magnificent things of creation like an ocean and in miraculous tiny newborn babies. What a God we have that He would hide His majestic glory in such fragile little creatures! And display it so magnificently in an ocean.

a gym and the Church

2007-09-14T13:38:00.001-04:00

I have a gym membership that I had not used for at least 4.5 months until last Wednesday. I intended to. I really did. But I also go to one of those corporate “image-oriented” type gyms. Great for its breadth of equipment and quality of fitness classes offered, but amazingly intimidating for someone who hated the mandatory phys. ed. classes in middle and high school. I just have never really enjoyed physical fitness. It’s not been an area I ever excelled at, and so at some point I decided to stop trying. I’d rather read a book, write a poem, drink coffee, even go to the dentist. Really. And every time I enter my high-tech super-glossy gym, I feel like I’m in middle school P.E. again. Where everyone is staring at me, picking my physique apart (do any of us have a body we 100% accept?), or at least looking down at me because I haven’t invested a small life fortune in getting “cool” athletic gear.

I overcame my fear and walked in, silencing the imaginary voices sneering at me or the voice in my head condemning me for not being there for so long. And it felt good, once I bee-lined it to my Elliptical machine, sweated for the 25’ish minutes, and arrived safely back in my car. One of the reasons I had not been to the gym in so long is that I felt like I was out of shape. (how ironic, I know) So after walking for a few weeks, I felt more up to facing THE GYM.

It made me wonder if that’s what church is like for some people. Especially corporate, well-organized, high-image-conscious churches where everyone seems to have it together. People feel as if they must first “get it together” spiritually before coming to church. How ironic, isn’t it?

But is it? Do we who represent the Church universal help portray this image? Especially people like me who have been attending church since I was born. And so I know all the right answers, the right lingo, the right uniform. But I don’t naturally think about the person contemplating church who might have been abused by a church leader as a child and now hates anything God-related. Or the person whose “Christian” parents gave rules and law without grace. I think they would be even more reluctant to enter a church than I was to enter the gym.

What are we doing to welcome in strangers? To help present to them the Christ who says “Come, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” [not “Come and I will give you more things to do and rules to follow”]. To alleviate well-placed fears and insecurities about what to say, what to wear, and whether they want to have anything to do with Christians after a bad experience.

I don’t know, but I’m wrestling with it as part of a new church plant seeking to welcome in the stranger, the neighbor, the unbeliever, the nominal Christian. Grace must permeate everything we do. The way we greet them at the door, have a genuine conversation with them afterwards, and seek to follow up through building a relationship. They need to see it in the way WE interact with one another. No back-biting, gossip, chronic complaining, fake pleasantries. You can tell if love is genuine and real.

And isn’t that what Jesus said? “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:35)

remembering

2007-09-11T20:17:00.000-04:00

I can't let today go by without remembering. Especially now that I live so close to all three hits: New York City, DC, and mid-PA. I heard about the memorial services being performed at each place, and I wish I had gone to remember.

Here's my poetic tribute instead.

"remembering 9/11"

Before:
innocence,
naivety,
impenetrable defense,
children playing happily in the streets,
businessmen going about their routines,
the Big Apple buzzing with activity
Unaware

Until
the unthinkable occurred
we were attacked by terrorists
Here.
Not "over there"
the towers fell
our proud self-confidence with them

After:
suspicion,
paranoia,
the fear of attack,
danger lurks on every corner
wives grieve, children fear
that today he might disappear
terror enters the American dream
National security?
Now exposed as a myth
(or a political ideal).

to care ... and not to care

2007-08-31T09:11:00.000-04:00

I've just finished reading the best chapter on caring that I've ever come across. It was so good that I had to take it just tiny bits at a time so as to truly savor it. And to pray that it would sink in as I'm very much in a full-time vocation of caring as a counselor. These are some of my favorite excerpts from Eugene Peterson's chapter "Teach us to care, and not to care" (title from T.S. Eliot's prayer) in his book Subversive Spirituality.

Read and enjoy ... and be challenged.

We begin with a realization of our poverty: We do not know how to care. What we have been prayerlessly engaged in and glibly calling care, is not care. It is pity, it is sentimentality, it is do-goodism ... Caring, noble and commendable as it seems, is initiated by a condition that can, and often does, twist it into something ugly and destructive. That condition is need. ... But there is another element in this scenario that is frequently missed and when missed, silently and invisibly squeezes all the cure out of care. The element is sin. ... We learn how to use the conditions of need as leverage in getting our own way. ... We are created to be open. To be open to God, to open out towards our neighbors. We can only be whole and healthy in so far as we do this. When we are in need, when first-hand experience documents our inability to be whole beings on our own, the first thing that can happen is that we will become more authentically human. Need rips gashes in our self-containment and opens us to the neighbor. Need blows holes in our roofed-in self-sufficiency and opens us to God. But not necessarily. ... If unwary, the person providing care is co-opted into feeding selfishness, which is to say, sin.

So is it clear that we who desire to help those in need have a dilemma? We are called to care -- to enter in to another's pain and suffering -- but how to do so in a way that doesn't merely rehabilitate the person's self-centered sufficiency? We must realize that God has gotten to this person before us. He is already at work, and our work of caring is to join him in his. Read on...

When care is restored to our lives in its true and proper context, the presence and action of God, our caring then becomes an extension of our prayer, instead of just being tacked on to our caring. When this happens, our caring is detached from the controlling context of sin-twisted needs, self-serving ploys, this cultural-spiritual wasteland that Eliot describes so well, the wasteland that drains all the cure out of care. ... What God has done and is doing is far more significant that anything you or anyone else will ever do. What God has spoken and is speaking is far more important than anything you or anyone else will ever say. ... caring must begin with a sense of adoration and wonder. If we do not begin in adoration, we begin too small. If we begin by formulating a problem, by identifying a need, by tackling a necessary job, by launching a program, we reduce the reality that is before us to what we can do or get others to do.

So, God, help us to bow in worship before we attempt to care for another. To ask You what You are already doing, and to have wisdom and strength to enter in to Your work of caring truly. To see the glory hidden behind the pain and beyond the suffering. Amen?

best beach vacation ever

2007-08-23T21:30:00.000-04:00

It's been a few weeks since Seth and I returned from vacation with my family at Kiawah Island, SC. It truly was probably the closest to a perfect vacation I've ever been on: days filled with sunshine, waves, sand, reading novels [I highly recommend Marley and Me], soaking up rays on the beach; evenings full of good dinners where you linger over an intriguing conversation and a glass of wine; followed by laughter and games and hilarious family stories. Like when we all started recounting our version of the worst vacation ever: a trip to the Boundary Waters when it rained for four days straight and it took us six hours to canoe to a plot of land with the highest per capita mosquito population in the nation (maybe the world). We learned a few things as a family: (1) we are not campers (2) that was a once in a lifetime experience (3) bad vacations make hilarious stories later (4) hotel beds are highly underrated after four days in the wilderness.

I guess after reflection on our worst vacation ever, it made me think that this past week at the beach probably earned the distinction of our best vacation ever. The time I spend with my parents and siblings is even more precious now that they live so far away. It sweetens the moments somehow. Enriches them. We've also grown up and matured and brought new people into the Davis family. And so that multiplies the joy and the laughter we now share.

Favorite things about vacation:
(1) Good family time free from conflicts and full of rich conversation
(2) The familiar beauty of the South Carolina beach at Kiawah: wide & unpopulated beaches, warm seawater, wildlife (alligators, ibis, deer, even a little "Bambi")
(3) Delicious meals every night, complete with dessert (thanks, Mom!)
(4) Wine and Baileys every night (thanks, Dad!)
(5) Games galore
(6) Side-splitting laughter ... thanks, J & B :)
(7) Bike rides into the sunset
(8) The IBC Root Beer "Burp-Off"
(9) R E L A X A T I O N
(10) Immersion into the Creator's beauty through a geographical place and hearts alive with the Spirit

The only part that wasn't perfect is that it ended. I have a feeling that I tasted Heaven this week. But of course Heaven will be much better -- an eternal "family reunion" at the most beautiful place imaginable ... all overshadowed by the wonder and ecstasy of face-to-face worship of our Creator.

A few pictures so that you, too, can imagine you were there...

The "Davis siblings" plus their dates/mates :)

The generous hosts of the week: my parents

Kite-flying became one of our favorite beach pastimes

Me & Bryan with our goofy faces...

The model-esque couple: Bryan and his girlfriend Ashleigh

The newlyweds: Nicole & Jonathan -- 2 months and counting...

Seth and I -- the "old" newlywed couple of the trip

Sunset at the marsh

Jonathan and Seth playing pool

Sisters! (-in-law) Heather & Nicole

Summer Collage

2007-07-03T21:09:00.000-04:00

Enjoy some pictures from this summer so far. Seth and I are enjoying this different pace of life -- where free time actually IS free (from studying), the sun doesn't set till late, and the weather invites us outdoors. Philly seems to come alive in the summer.

what else ... but the Irish-American festival in Philadelphia. it (sort of) reminded me of the lovely summer days I spent in Ireland in years past. Except for all the gaudy green clovers everywhere. The Irish would have laughed.

Seth enjoying the Phillies-Mets game we went to see last weekend. They played horribly, but it was a beautiful afternoon and the Philadelphia spirit was contagious.

Longwood Gardens --one of the most beautiful places I have visited. My favorite was the conservatory (below). And the fountain show was fun as well!

Dinner with my parents in May at The City Tavern. A fitting historical experience for us all.

Seth and I had fun revisiting the place where it all began ... the Bay Bridge where he proposed to me in Central Park, NYC. We had to take another picture here!

Dinner at Portofino, an authentic Italian restuaurant in the city, around the corner from the Philadelphia Ballet. We loved it!

A fun evening with our friend, Julie, down in Philadelphia. Here we are at Penns Landing.

poems

2007-06-28T22:42:00.000-04:00

I found these poems ... and thought i'd post a few for the reading.

They speak of a journey, from a high school girl bright-eyed about life to a woman in her 20s who knows a deeper joy because of suffering. Some of them were written in the "in-between" -- before the morning dawned, at the darkest hour of night. And yet I believe that especially here there was good happening within me. Not because I am good, but because I belong to One who promises to turn even bad into good for me. For a greater glory. His ... and mine.

I hope you enjoy these few. More to come, if the populace demands it. :)

"Morning Mist" (senior year of high school -- 1997)
Morning mist
like a blanket of gossamer
Mysterious
Making all in its touch vague.
The world is different:
What was a beaten trail
Now is an unfamiliar path.
It is peace and calm
And comfort:
God's Hand still rests on the earth.
O beautiful mist, full of unknowns--
What lies behind the bend?
It's perfect trust in a God
Who sees through the morning mist.
He will guide and direct through all of life's opaque.

"A Winter's Glory" (1.16.99 -- sophomore year at Wheaton College)
Oh, the brilliance -- oh, how glorious!
Is the flaming winter sky.
Bare limbs silhouetted
Against the bright glory
Of a winter's sky.

The sun has set--
But has not died.
The clouds-'though plain themselves-
Reflect the sunset's glory.
They tell the story,
For minutes after the sun's death
Beyond horizon's edge.

The snow reflecting the stillness;
Black lines against the brilliance;
Purple, pink streaks in the blue.
The sun gone.
But the glory grows greater each moment.

Ah-most glorious Creator!
You are too marvelous!
Let me not forget this jewel of glory
Found beyond the bitter gloom
I had thought would hold the winter.
May many more delightful sunsets
Remind me of whose glory I seek.

"wounded" (2002)
I surrender it to You--
I try to take it back:
I fall under the weight of a burden
not meant for me to bear alone.
What will heal this bitterly festering wound?
Not my gossip nor my envy;
No amount of journaling or words.
It's too deep.
You've noticed and You know.
A rugged, blood-stained piece of wood
Pierces deep
Into my heart,
Into His hands.
Justice?
Finished.
Guilt?
Removed.
Love?
Immeasurably unending.

"Spring 2005"
Spring, you invite me
Into your freshness with each new green
turquoise blue sky like the inside of
a dyed Easter egg.
New beckons me into the sunset of twilight
Greets me in the first rays streaming
into my window.

Could my heart live here--in your spring?
Eternal newness, all scars and wounds erased
Disappearing like the cold winds of winter
Bitterness melting away with the snow--
Or is its beauty too abrasive
for my calloused cradle of dreams?

I can't live here. Or can I?
It means I must live again.
Laugh again.
Breathe again--break out of academia's cocoon.
Throw my head back; soak it up;
be revived.

the enchantment of Sleeping Beauty

2007-06-12T23:00:00.001-04:00

The story is a classic: A beautiful princess is destined by a terrible curse to prick her finger and fall into a deep sleep. Pennsylvania Ballet’s mammoth production, with choreography by Marius Petipa, explores the romantic, humorous and suspenseful tale featuring three magical fairies and a valiant Prince who vows to rescue his beloved from the evil spell. Join us for the spectacular adventure, performed to the famous Peter Ilych Tchaikovsky score — his first major success in ballet composition!

Thus describes the Pennsylvania Ballet's production of "Sleeping Beauty" which we went to as a gift from Seth for my birthday last week. And it was all that it promised to be ... and more. I loved the way dance, story, and music intertwined to produce an experience that was, pardon the pun, enchanting.

There is something about each of those elements that calls us to a transcendent Beauty in and of itself: the sounds of a live orchestra performance, the elegant simplicity of ballet, and the proven worth of a classic fairytale. Put them all together, and I'm absolutely sure that it was my favorite performance I've attended. Thank you to my amazing husband for the perfect gift!

It certainly helps to capture my imagination because my secret dream is to become a professional ballerina if counseling doesn't work out. Now what's truly humorous about that is I've never taken a ballet class in my life. Maybe now that I'm finished with my degree this is a way I can spend my free time...

whirlwind

2007-06-06T23:24:00.000-04:00

Yes, I think that's what the past month has been. And it's been good. But what to do when it finally stops?? It's just too easy to try to keep up the crazy pace. And life seems to be very conducive to being filled with activities, even now that the month of weddings and graduations is finished.

But I think God wants more for his people than busyness. I've been reading a book by Fenelon, called "The Seeking Heart" for the past few weeks. (thanks to my brother for giving me this gift) It convicts me to slow down...to stop...to be in the moment.

"Be still and know that I am God," begins Psalm 46:10, and it finishes with the glorious promise, "I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth." In my stillness it allows me to see how much God is at work -- quite independent from my scurrying around trying to get everything "important" done.

So listen with me to this sentence in Fenelon's book, and do what needs to be done as a result: "How can you hear God speak, in His soft and tender way, when your hurried thoughts create a whirlwind?"

3 weddings and a graduation

2007-05-21T12:43:00.000-04:00

Whew. It's been such a full three weeks! A very fun and joyful three weddings that I had a "front-row seat" to as a bridesmaid. It really is beautiful to watch God bring two people together as husband and wife and to witness this celebration of their marriage covenant. As I've been in these weddings, it's great to see how each wedding really represented the couple getting married and reflected their unique personalities.

Like Nathan and Erica Kurcsak -- who began their ceremony on May 5th by singing a worship song together. What a great way to set the tone of worship together! And it's a picture of how I know God has already used them -- to lead many to worship Christ through their relationship.

And then Mark and Susan Clark whose weekend and wedding on May 12th was full of the joy of Christ that they reflect together so well! In fact, there was even some spontaneous laughter during their vows which I think is such a picture of the freedom Christ has given them to love fully -- making the most serious commitment you can make to another person with confidence in the One whose faithfulness they trust.
And last, but certainly far from least, was the wedding on May 19th of Jonathan and Nicole Davis. In fact, since it was so recent ... and I haven't uploaded pictures yet ... I'm just going to have to write about theirs in a future posting. It really was beautiful to watch God bring these two together, and to see their solemnity as they made their vows to one another. Their relationship speaks so deeply of the loyalty and faithfulness that only Christ can give between two people.

So...three weddings. And now in three days, my graduation from Westminster. Which will certainly be a celebration of a different type. It still hasn't sunk in yet. But I'm sure it will as I walk across the stage to receive my Master's diploma on Thursday.

May has become from beginning to end the month of celebrations!

Finished

2007-05-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

As I ended my last final of my last class in my last semester, I reflected (a bit) on the fact that I am FINISHED.

Finished with three years of a Master's program in Biblical counseling at Westminster Seminary. (www.wts.edu)

...with 56 hours of class

...with 6 semesters and 2 winter terms

...with over 18 finals

...with dozens of papers

...and 1000's of dollars

But the true cost of this all -- is priceless. When I think about the friendships I've made, what of Christ I have learned, how my own heart has been changed, and the hope of future opportunities to love people and bring the hope of the gospel into their lives.

In many ways, I guess I'm just beginning. Stay posted for more graduation reflections to come...

Happy 25th Birthday, Jonathan!!

2007-05-01T17:15:00.000-04:00

This is one of the last pictures I have where my "little" brother Jonathan is actually shorter than me. In honor of his birthday today, this post is for him!

One of my first memories is one of delight and joy when my parents told me as a two year old that I was going to be a big sister. I remember being so excited to meet this new sibling in the hospital. And probably begging my parents over and over again to hold him (which they rarely allowed, due to their wisdom!). Until Bryan came along, I would usually force him to play whatever girlish game I was playing and he usually coerced without a fight. He's always been much more laid-back than his older, bossier sister. And I know that I took advantage of that too much when we were younger!

Even though he is my younger brother, Jonathan was quite an example for me as we grew up and I entered the tumultuous years of adolescence. He had wrestled with his faith in Christ at a young age when he would stay up late talking to Mom and Dad about very deep, hard questions. He was always pretty mature for his age. I often discounted this or tried to brush it off. However, spiritually he really was an example to me and encouraged me to really pursue God even when it seemed too difficult or irrelevant. His steadfast faith has continued to this day and has grown through many trials.

It has been a true joy to see the way that we have become good friends as we've both grown up. We've asked each other for advice, prayed with and for each other, and kept in touch throughout the college years and now post-college. It's only fitting that each of our weddings would be within 9 months of one another! I'm thrilled that God has brought such an amazing woman into his life as his bride, and that we'll celebrate their marriage in less than a month.

So...HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY, Jonathan! And thanks for all the ways you've encouraged me in Christ as my brother throughout the years. I look forward to many fun vacations with our families in the years to come. And we'll see you at the wedding to your beautiful bride in less than 3 weeks!!!!

the glories of GREEN

2007-04-20T22:44:00.000-04:00

To many of you who are privileged to live in a place where spring is already in full bloom, you probably won't understand the beauty of these pictures. I'll give you the story behind it so that you can more fully appreciate how truly glorious GREEN can be.

Imagine two weary travelers who pull on their winter sweaters on yet another cold, gray morning in Philadelphia. One in particular hates to still be shivering when it's April and beyond Easter. She thinks that she should be wearing her white sandals and pastel-colored clothes now. But the first time she really got them out was in anticipation of this weekend trip to her hometown of Greenville, South Carolina. To these winter-dreary travelers, they are desperately in need of spring. There are little signs of it here and there: daffodils, forsythia, pink-blossoming trees. But no green leaves to speak of.

Imagine their wonder, joy and amazement when, after a brief four hour flight, they awake to find themselves in the land of green. The sun is shining so brightly that they need their sunglasses; its warmth invites them to shed their sweaters; and most of all the GREEN dazzles their eyes. The leaves are back! So rarely do you have the chance to experience both winter and spring in one day that it's easy to forget how absolutely glorious spring can be. Its wonder is not lost on these two travelers.

Imagine what's even more refreshing: the joy of seeing my family after four months; of celebrating with my "little" brother and my soon-to-be sister-in-law as they anticipate their wedding; of sharing a cup of Ginger Peach tea and heart-warming conversation on a Sunday afternoon with a good friend who will also be wed soon; of all that is familiar about home and parents and the church I grew up in.

Needless to say, I think I feel more alive after this past weekend. We still await the green leaves to blossom here, but we have gotten a taste of the vitality to come.

A few pics from the weekend...

Nicole and Jonathan opening up my parents' shower gift to them: a pancake griddle so they can carry on the famous Davis Saturday morning tradition of pancakes

My cousin Jillian and I in our Sunday morning best. She was our flower girl in our wedding. And she's growing so fast!

Seth with Jillian and her little brother, Logan. Doesn't he look like a natural? :)

A Joyful Easter: it is well with my soul

2007-04-09T19:27:00.000-04:00

As we ended our Good Friday service at church with this hymn, it resonated with my soul. This is the joy of Good Friday and Easter Sunday: regardless of what life brings, how tempting sin becomes, and the kind of suffering I experience (and those close to me) IT IS WELL with my soul. Because of Christ...His death in my place, His resurrection guaranteeing there is life after death. Below are two verses of this familiar hymn. And below that are various snapshots from our Easter celebration. (including my first ever attempt at a Southern Easter tradition of "Hot cross buns" and pictures of our Easter breakfast with Seth's parents, Fred & Joan)

Refrain:
 It is well with my soul,
 it is well, it is well with my soul.

2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
 let this blest assurance control,
 that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
 and hath shed his own blood for my soul.
 (Refrain)

3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
 My sin, not in part but the whole,
 is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
 praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
 (Refrain)

Cold Easter: an oxymoron?

2007-04-05T10:30:00.000-04:00

It never fails to surprise me and dismay me how long winter's icy fingers grip this area of the country during the season I used to know as "spring." Here's a clip on weather.com of the current temperature:

41°F
Feels Like
32°F

Ahh, yes. Quite cold indeed for the 5th of April! And it is supposed to stay this way through Easter. Good thing I didn't go out and get an Easter dress, as is the custom were I in South Carolina. I would be too cold in it!

So at this time of year, I feel like I am forced to have faith that God is a Creator who made seasons...and spring WILL come, though it seems ages away today. Surely there are signs even now: the brilliant yellow blooms outside of my office window, the fresh green grass, the trees budding, the cherry blossoms exploding with color.

And isn't this so similar to what this season of life on earth is like? As ones who hope in the resurrected Christ who will bring life after death for all who trust in Him, I believe that redemption is coming. That God in His full beauty will appear. Yet now we await signs of this life to come. Amidst the pain and the suffering that seems too often to prevail. Still there is new life breaking through: the kindness of a stranger, the generosity of family, healing from abuse, marriages that last a lifetime, parents who love their children, the beauty of sunsets, vacation, ...

The signs point to a coming Resurrection. Do you believe it is surer than spring's arrival to Philadelphia? May it be so! And may we celebrate the Risen Christ who ushers in true Life this Easter...whether it be while shivering in a winter sweater or enjoying a new Easter spring-like dress. :)

burdened

2007-03-28T22:07:00.001-04:00

Throughout my counseling program at Westminster, God has been developing in me a deeper compassion for those who suffer. And I have asked Him for this even more so as I have started counseling this year.

God is answering it. But it's hard. It's difficult to be burdened for another. To truly have compassion in a way that moves one to action forces me out of my self-created comfort zone into a place where I feel my inadequacy. My love for convenience must be put to death ... and it has been with Christ on the cross. This is the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings.

It is a theme the past few weeks. There's a family member I am burdened for anew...who seems without hope. How humbling for "my job" to be to bring hope to others and I cannot seem to find the right words for him? There's a friend from church who has been brought to the brink of despair recently. And I don't know how to reach into her world when she is too weary to let anyone in. There's a counselee I saw who won't come back because it was too hard to relive her story as she told it to me. I can understand why. But I desperately want her to know the healing that Light brings into darkness!

I am burdened. And it is good to carry this weight...if I am lifting it up to the Father. There really is no other place for it.

Especially since I left my journal at the retreat center I went to with Chelten Baptist (where I'm working as a counselor & counseling center administrator now). When I called about it this afternoon, they said they found it ... actually that one of the grandkids of the owner found it. I wonder how much this kid read of it before he/she decided to turn it over! Now that's a humbling thought...!

new colors

2007-03-11T23:24:00.000-04:00

I was tired of the green and orange...so hiddenglory is now blue and brown. I like this color scheme so much better. A bit more subtle and in line with my tastes.

This is officially the first blog I've written that is this short. And the most un-philosophical. Hooray...

A recipe for life

2007-03-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

Ahh, yes. Recipes. What an incredibly boring blog topic...but something is better than nothing when it's almost been a month since my last post! And I did have an epiphany while following my first ever cheesecake recipe this week in preparation for a friend's wedding shower.

This cheesecake actually turned out pretty good, and there's no magical explanation. I simply followed the recipe. I realized that I really like recipes. A lot. It gives you the ingredients you need, tells you step-by-step how to make this dish and 9 times out of 10, what you're hoping to make is actually produced as the end result. If you put forth the effort to go shopping for the correct ingredients and follow directions well, you are nearly guaranteed success.

If only life could be like this! And imagine if it was. The recipe for having lots of friends:
ingredients -- high extroversion, good listening skills, $$ to go out or host gatherings, ability to relate well to many people, living in the same place for a long time
preparation time -- at least 2-5 years
*Mix all ingredients well, and continue to do so for several years. Will yield many friends.

Or maybe one for a good Monday morning:
ingredients -- lots of caffeine, good night's sleep, naturally a morning person, enjoyment of your job
preparation time -- at least 1 day
*Balance all ingredients together, starting with being a morning person, then adding good night's sleep and enjoyment of your job. To jumpstart the day, drink a few cups of coffee -- and voila! you'll have a good Monday morning.

Another for the perfect job:
ingredients -- quality education, accurate self-knowledge of gifts and limitations, good co-workers, tasks that you enjoy, the paycheck you're contented with
preparation time -- 10-20 years
*Begin by getting a good education equivalent to the job you're hoping for. Add to this the accurate self-knowledge of gifts and limitations. Then mix in a job that pays well, with good co-workers, and tasks that you enjoy -- and you will have the perfect job.

What's funny is that we all know there are no such recipes -- and yet I am consistently lured in by such promises on MSN.com or webmd. The ones I found myself reading tonight were strategies about how to successfully adjust to Daylight Savings Time that will hit us all 3 weeks earlier than usual. Webmd.com actually calls it "6 simple steps to survive daylight savings time" (link if you're as curious as me: http://www.webmd.com/).

It seems that we're all looking for recipes for life. Especially for the most complex problems or struggles. I want the "how-to" book that guarantees success. But there is no such thing! There are too many variables in life lived as a creature in a world ruled by my Creator. I am meant to live relationally, not to live out of an over-desire for "success" and being "together." Relationships are not -- and cannot be -- formulaic. There's too much involved. They cannot be reduced to ingredients with a set preparation time or production process.

I'll have to keep my enjoyment of recipes to the realm of cooking and baking. And embrace the mystery discovered by living life without a recipe.

happiness or contentment?

2007-02-18T16:10:00.000-05:00

"Happiness is getting what we want; contentment is wanting what we get." This quote by Linda Dillow from a book that my Mom sent me captures well my current faith struggle. Will I keep striving for an elusive happiness that always seems just around the corner? Or will I work to be content with the life God has provided for me today?

I'll be honest. Often I choose to exchange contentment for the pursuit of happiness. Especially at this stretch of the year in Philadelphia. We had a winter storm this past week that left us with a lot of snow and ice and blasts of cold. I hate the cold. I really do. There is nothing about shivering that's appealing to me. Visions of moving to Florida or California or somewhere where it stays above freezing all year become my happiness. I get tired of indoor activities and working out at the gym. I'd much rather be outdoors...if it weren't so dang cold.

And I also miss my family. I feel like I'm missing out on their lives -- both joys and struggles. Like hanging out with my brothers and enjoying the celebrations and planning of my brother Jonathan's wedding in May. Or being with my Grandma as she undergoes some major surgery this week. In moments like this, Philadelphia feels so far away from it all. And I feel gripped by discontentment.

What would it look like for me to cultivate contentment? I think it means honestly admitting the places where it's hard, but entrusting these to a God who sees, knows, and cares about me. It means asking for grace to appreciate the good about today, asking for eyes to notice what's delightful in a day. It means meditating on these things more than what I wish was different. So I can glory in the beauty of the snow-covered landscape that becomes magically iridescent at twilight. And I can be thankful for the amazing community of friends God's provided for us here. I will delight in a loving husband and our small-but-cozy & warm apartment. I will enjoy the freedom of our dual-student schedule (instead of focusing on the financial liabilities of this situation...!). And I am glad that in our age of technology, phone calls and emails make it much easier to stay in touch with those who are far away.

On top of all this, I can take great joy that what is most important about life is settled for me. This world will be full of light and momentary troubles, but because of Jesus Christ who has redeemed me from my sin, I am promised that these very troubles will turn into "an eternal weight of glory." What must that be like? I'm reminded of a college professor who always posed this question to us, that seems to best capture my imagination of eternity: "When I see the glory of a sunset, and I think about its Creator -- I always ask, 'What must He be like who gives such beauty to close every day?' "

In celebration of Valentine's Day

2007-02-11T23:18:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day is coming up (ready or not), and I know for many people it's an occasion of sadness. Wishing there was that "special someone" to romance you like you've only dreamed of. Or maybe you're happy to be single...and it's just an unpleasant annual reminder that our world is often one that's couple-centric. I've definitely been there. And also at a place where sadness became bitterness as I remembered unrequited love on this annual Lovers' Day. It is also a holiday that's certainly been over-sentimentalized by Hallmark and our consumer-driven society.

All disclamors aside, I am personally excited about this Valentine's Day. It is good for me to have another day of the year especially dedicated to expressing my love and appreciation for my husband. Only 5 months into marriage, and I could see how easy it becomes to take love and marriage for granted. Or to get mad and disappointed because love and marriage don't live up to their promises (that our culture tells of perfect bliss and happiness). But were they meant to live up to these promises?

I don't think so. Love to another person will always hold disappointment at some level. Romantic and marital love is no exception! That is why we were made for a love that's eternal: that of God through Jesus Christ. The best of loves can only be experienced in the context of His love...a love that loved us first. A love that keeps loving us in the midst of our weaknesses and failings. A love that loves us enough to provide for our deepest need: that of forgiveness of sin against a God we've rejected. That's a love worth celebrating. Certainly more than once a year!

And it is in the context of this love that Seth and I are building our marriage. It's our only hope for truly being able to love one another. As Christ's love motivates and empowers our love for one another, we each experience more of His love. And so on this Valentine's Day, I celebrate in Seth the ways he's shown me Christ's love.

#1: By pursuing me when I was stubbornly independent and self-protective. His persevering love won me over...certainly by the time of this picture on last Valentine's Day, when he took me to Bistro Romano after giving me a dozen long-stem red roses, and then continued in his extravagance to give me a gift certificate for private dancing lessons as a Valentine's gift. Wow!

#2 Definitely by asking me to marry him...committing his life to mine, promising to love me "till death do us part." This is a picture from our engagement day in Central Park: 3/17/06.

#3: By having fun with me...and accompanying me on my busy social schedule, especially during our engagement. This picture is from my friend's engagement party in Delaware. He is wonderful at really getting to know my friends and engaging them in conversation. I appreciate that about him. And I certainly tested this ability many times!!

#4: By his tenderness and the way that he loves me even when I'm grouchy and grumpy. He finds a way to make me smile, like in this picture. :)

#5: By his protection and steadfast faithfulness. I know that he won't break the covenant promises he made to me on August 26, 2006, because he made them in the strength and sufficient grace of God. This is such an encouragement to me as I uphold this covenant of marriage with him. On the good days and even more so the bad days...!

self-realizations

2007-02-03T17:30:00.000-05:00

Realization #1: I am no longer a South Carolina resident. Mailing in the license plate which advertises our "Smiling Faces" and "Beautiful Places" framed by the Blue Ridge Mountains and a palmetto tree makes it official. My car now sports the much plainer yellow-and-blue striped Pennsylvania plate. (and I must say that "smiling faces" wouldn't fly for their state motto, at least not in the winter in Philadelphia...beautiful places they do have, but PA's sadly lacking in either mountains or palmetto trees) So although I will always be a Carolina girl at heart, there are now no official residential ties. No more SC drivers license or SC license plate to flag me as such...they'll just have to guess it from my smiling face (ha!) and the pictures I have of beautiful places from SC. And every now and again the slight Southern twang that emerges with a "y'all."

So onto realization #2, which also has a few pictures to grace it. As I walked into the mall for a little Saturday shopping with some Christmas money, I carried my small red purse. I've prided myself on being able to maintain the simplicity of a small purse with everything that I need easily accessible: the cell phone, the wallet, and my keys. Maybe a pen or two and some lip gloss. And my granola bar (today). And then what about that book I wanted to bring to read while I waited for my friend at Starbucks? I quickly became frustrated as I tried to cram the granola bar beside the keys, the wallet, and the phone...and be able to zip the purse so that it would neatly contain all that was within. So that I could keep my image of simplicity together.

Then it dawned on me. This is like my life. I want the illusion of simplicity and ease. That I can keep everything together and am quite organized. But the truth is that I can't. My life is more messy than what can be contained in my "real simple" image. Our house might be organized right now, but after a few weeks of work/school/study/life, I will probably have a hard time finding the credit card bill on my desk because of the papers and books and counseling articles piled on it.

I wanted to be able to keep a small purse. But my life just can't be contained in it anymore. So I bit the bullet, and used some Christmas money to buy a bigger purse...a lot bigger. There was space for everything, and room to spare. Next time I'll bring my book with me. And my journal, planner, camera, photo album, husband... oops, I got a little carried away there. I don't think he would come along shopping with me even if I did offer to carry him all the way!

So I will embrace a bigger purse and the reality that life is more complicated (and fuller) than the simplicity I aim for.

January comes to an end (sigh...)

2007-01-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

Classes begin for Seth and me on Thursday. My last day at World Harvest Mission will be on Wednesday. And so when February begins, life as I've known it this month will be changed. There's a reluctance that goes with this. I don't feel like I'm quite rested from how intense last semester was. I could use a week or two to get to all those fun projects I just ran out of time for. It feels similar to the end of summer when you're a kid and you have to trade in unscheduled days of infinite self-led adventures for days marked by the ringing of bells and following a teacher's instructions.

The self has to change -- has to fit back into a box of hours and minutes and academic pursuits. I can't spend my free hours excavating the clutter of my desk and discovering the simplicity of clean underneath. Or rediscovering my creative side through some wedding scrapbooking and writing. I won't be able to choose how I spend these hours: because I chose to pursue seminary 3 years ago. And it will be over soon. I have only 2 classes left before I get my degree in May. Next year, I will likely look back on this intense season of study and miss it.

But right now I'm sad that January must end. God has done a lot this month in my heart, and I don't want to lose it. He has settled His frantic daughter in major ways and has taught me to trust Him for the particulars of daily bread. He has provided for Seth and me -- much more than financially. I think I'm beginning to treasure what money will never buy instead of longing to have those things I think I deserve (a redecorated apartment, for instance, or the luxury to go out to Center City Philadelphia every weekend for fun). I am learning that my Father really does see and really does know.

Like the job thing. This week I got a job offer for a month long position helping to start up a counseling center at a local church. I had no idea this job even existed; I did nothing to try to secure it (no interview, no resume sent in); but it was presented to me and I knew I wanted to take it. I'm already counseling at this church a few hours a week, and it's a great opportunity to see how a counseling center is begun. And the amazing part is that it starts February 5th, with only a two day lapse from when I end at World Harvest. That's pretty incredible!

And there are still long-term job options "in the queue." I'm learning that faith is a daily waiting and a daily offering. I give my burdens and worries to God; He reminds me of His presence to be enjoyed today. I wait for His day to unfold instead of trying to micromanage every minute of it. (something I am still very much learning how to do...)

So although I do sigh with the end of this restful (from school) month, I also am excited for a new chapter of new adventures. That's the other part of being a kid going back to school. There were always the old friends to catch up with, the new friends to meet, and a fresh beginning.

Kind of cool that God promises His people this every morning...the new mercies for each day. And, by extension, for each season...

Vote for a job for Heather!

2007-01-18T19:32:00.000-05:00

Did you miss election day? Now you have a chance to truly become influential and make a difference. Where your vote really does count. I promise. (do you believe me yet?)

I'm trying to decide what job to take beginning in February. I am stepping out in faith, transitioning from WHM in hopes of increasing my counseling/ministry experience -- and even more so as graduation in May draws nigh. My ideal is something about 20 hours a week that will work with my ever-so-crazy schedule, while also paying me millions. (ha, ha) Well, at least I'll settle for a buck or two above minimum wage, seeing as I do have a bachelor's degree and I'm working on my master's...

So -- here are the options:
(A) Counseling at a faith-based non-profit medical clinic serving a mainly Hispanic population in the city
(B) Teaching Spanish as an independent contractor to a couple schools throughout the Philadelphia area
(C) Tutoring
(D) Personal/admin assistant for a local attorney
(E) None of the above: write in job _______________________
(F) Some combination of the above: list here ____________

If you read my blog, please vote. Both humor and deep insight are appreciated in your responses. :)

Happy Birthday, Bryan!

2007-01-13T17:59:00.000-05:00

My "little" brother turns 21 today. It makes me feel old to think about that. Here he is as I first remember him -- I'm holding Bryan in this picture as Jonathan stands beside me. I still remember as if it was yesterday the morning that Bryan came into the world. It was a Monday, and I was awakened with the news that Mom and Dad were going to the hospital and one of their friends was taking me to school. I was so excited all day, especially because I just knew that I was getting a little sister. (what I'd always wanted) I made it all the way to Art class in the afternoon before Dad came to school to tell me the news of Bryan Christopher's birth. I remember being disappointed that I didn't get a sister after all, as disappointed as 1st grade emotions can get.

But my appreciation for this brother has grown over the years, and I would never trade him for even the best of little sisters. Bryan has always been the one to make our whole family laugh...even when going through the darkest of trials. And especially whenever he was in trouble. Jonathan and I would get so upset at the way Bryan would get out of any kind of punishment just by making Dad laugh at him. (we know we suffered many more spankings than him for this reason) However, Bryan is also quick to point out that I was the devious one who would do something bad (like steal a cookie before dinner) and then succesfully convince my parents that it was Bryan who did it. His six years' younger logic couldn't stand up against mine.

So today he officially enters into equal maturity with me--as a legal adult. He got there much sooner than me, though. As I compare where he is now to where I was as a 21 year old...he's got years on me!! His faith has weathered more storms than I had seen by his age; he has a vision for his life, a strong sense of adventure (that led him to a road trip from Carolina to Colorado and back with his best friend upon high school graduation), that same impeccable humor that keeps him out of trouble, and a generous love for people that all of us who are close to him value.

Days like today the distance from Philly to South Carolina feels impossible. I wish I could be there to celebrate with you, Bryan, but just know that Seth and I "raise our glass" to you to wish you a very happy birthday!

waiting and resting

2007-01-10T23:28:00.000-05:00

At the end of a busy day, I am choosing to write rather than sleep. (applaud me for fulfilling one of my 2007 resolutions...) I realized today with sadness that my January that was to be "a month of rest" has quickly filled up. I should have free time galore, with only a 20 hour/week job and no classes until spring semester begins in February. But isn't it crazy the way that we humans fill the free space in our days with activities?

"I'd love to...because I don't have anything going on this month": these words have escaped my mouth too many times, I fear. And the rest I hoped for has come in only in hours--rather than the days I was hoping for. Yet I think I am rediscovering the rest that can come through a change from routine. And a change from academia to "real life."

I have spent much more time with people than I usually get to when classes are in full force. There is something quite soul-refreshing to be "reading" live stories, interacting with people and their real problems rather than the academic analysis of stories and problems. This latter endeavor (a worthy one!) makes one prone to a growing coldness of heart and distance from others if it's not undertaken for the purpose of interacting with real people. I've seen this during my time at seminary. It's frightening, and reminds me of the warning in Hebrews to "encourage one another DAILY...so that none of you will be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

I have experienced a revitalization of a heart grown too cold in these days of being with friends and talking to more people than I have in a long time. I feel my soul coming back to life. That is the beauty of relationships and community! It's what we're made for...and we slowly shrivel up spiritually without it. I knew all this before, but it's been good to experience it anew after a season of intense studying and fewer interactions with people.

I have been encouraged these past few days especially. As I wait on God's leading for what to do when I graduate in May, it is encouraging to remember that I am to look at Jesus more than I obsess about my future. One older sister in the Lord put it this way this week: "When I don't gaze at Jesus, I will gaze at 100 other lesser things." Another brother in Christ who is going through a season of brokenness is testimony to the paradoxical hope that comes to those who are awaiting heaven while living on earth. A friend I met with shared with me how she and her husband are waiting for adoption. Yet another friend expressed a dream she wants to pursue but must wait for direction as to the next step of the journey. She is daring to be alive to her heart, which means she is waiting for more.

We are all waiting for something.

The challenge is not to lose sight of today in the midst of the waiting. Waiting can lead to a future-obsessed way of thinking which I caught in myself the past couple of days. So the key seems to be how to rest in today even as you wait for what you're hoping for in tomorrow. It could be a new job, a baby, a wedding, resolution to a conflict, the end of a semester that's just begun, graduation.....................

The possibilities are endless. I'm trying to figure out how to wait expectantly, but rest in today. Being fully present, even in those moments that are less than ideal. This is where growth occurs. A steadily growing perseverance and an unshakable peace. No small miracle for this woman who grows quickly impatient and anxious, with even the slow-moving line at the post office!

December highlights and New Year's resolutions

2007-01-03T21:09:00.000-05:00

January 3, 2007

I'll start with my New Year's resolutions. I'm keeping them to two this year. For simplicity's sake.
(1) To know the joy of resting in God's presence. I've been reading a 40-day meditation centered around Moses' encounter with God on Mt. Sinai and the Israelites' response. The phrase that I keep coming back to from this passage in Exodus 33 is God's promise to Moses and His people: "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." That's what I want to know this year: the joy and hope that come from believing that this is true.

(2) To write more. Which means, yes, there should be more blogs this year than last year! I'm reading a few books on writing during our month off from classes. I've started with Anne Lamott's book, "Bird by Bird." This quote compels me to why I love writing, and why I want to do it more. She is describing her father, who was also a writer: "He could go anyplace he wanted with a sense of purpose. One of the gifts of being a writer is that it gives you an excuse to do things, to go places and explore. Another is that writing motivates you to look closely at life, at life as it lurches by and tramps around." Which means I think there is a corollary to this resolution...#2a would be to look closely at life, savor the sweet moments, laugh at the funny moments, and remember each day instead of rushing through them as someone merely bent on survival.

Now on to highlights from December...which also will explain why I haven't posted in awhile.

December 2nd: my dear friend & college roommate, Katherine Jackson, weds Captain Jeffrey Donnithorne in Birmingham, AL, and I had the privilege of being a bridesmaid

December 15th: Seth & I get to be conspirators for our friends' engagement.
Below is the happily engaged couple, Nathan and Erica:
(they're an advertisement for our new side business, Heather&Seth-match.com....ha, ha)

December 16th: My brother gets engaged to his college sweetheart, Nicole!!
I will finally get a sister in the family. Yay!

All of December: me and Seth's first Christmas together!

Here we are with our little "charlie brown" Christmas tree :)

Christmas in New Jersey...my first ever was quite fun. We celebrated the weekend before Christmas, and were showered with gifts and love by Seth's parents. What a fun time together!

...and Christmas in Greenville--we had fun going downtown with my brother Bryan and his girlfriend Ashleigh and all of us being a little bit goofy --

December 18--a surprise going away party for Kimberly, a friend since high school who is heading to Kenya as a missionary. Here we all are: friends since high school (and even kindergarten!) -- Kimberly, Kathryn (expecting her first baby in January), me, Shelby

It was a full month!! Full of good times with friends and family. So now January is time for some good rest. That is our hope as Seth and I try to figure out what to do without classes for a month!

the glory of autumn

2006-11-14T17:31:00.000-05:00

November 14, 2006

Aahh...the glory of autumn! This is one picture I took last week on a self-guided nature walk through our neighborhood. The trees have been absolutely brilliant in their splendor this year in Philly. The deepest reds, brightest oranges, and eye-popping yellows cry GLORY.

But isn't it ironic? This season precedes that which is the bleakest: the "dead" of winter...occasionally brightened by snowfall. The leaves are so brilliant...because they are dying. It's a strange irony the way creation works at times. Can I learn something from this?

Can I learn that in dying there is a type of brilliant life that's released in the process? That in dying there can be beauty. And I'm not only thinking about physical death. I'm talking about the stuff of dying to my own desires while living. This is much harder (so it seems). The kind of things that include dying to my preferences for "how life should be lived [according to Heather]" in order to understand and love my husband. The small, tiny deaths of talking to a hurting friend when I feel the academic pressure of classes. Or admitting honestly to another that I simply don't have it all together. Admitting that I doubt some days about truth and hope and redemption because the evil just seems so dark.

I've started a counseling internship this fall. And it's been amazing and difficult and at times painful. Sometimes darkness looks bigger than light. Yet the amazing thing is that the smallest, tiniest bit of light--of hope--can begin to bring big change into a person's life. Not always as quickly as my impatience would desire. But enough so that I am reassured that Light--as seen in Jesus Christ--really is more powerful than darkness. One small candle can enlighten the darkest of places. The darkness doesn't have a choice once Light shows up. It's not optional for it to disappear. It has to.

And there is a brilliant side to this Light, seen as the darkness dies its death. That is what has to die in me: the dark places where I try to live as if life is all about me. So far from what we were made for! Oh, to reveal the glory hidden within..............and become as brilliant as this autumn has been!

Below is a picture of Seth & I--2 months of marriage & counting! Loving it, learning a ton about this "dying to selfishness" thing, beholding Christ our Redeemer in new ways. More in a future post...studies call my name now.

the flight to marriage

2006-09-15T20:22:00.000-04:00

We are on it! I walked the aisle...strewn with rose petals by my flower girl and tears that I couldn't hold back...to my groom who awaited me with his own tears glistening in his eyes. It was a perfect moment--a glorious wedding because of Christ's presence with us--and a fun reception. All to qualify us for this journey that we have embarked on called "marriage."

And I thought I knew what it would be like before I got here. But I had no idea. I didn't realize it meant that the very presence of this man in the midst of my most sin-filled moments communicates the grace of Christ. Or that I would now have a mirror in my shower (it really did surprise me that first groggy morning in our new apartment!). Or that it could truly be so fun to know that you're coming home to your best friend. After 3 weeks, we are still very much aglow in this whole new world that we've found ourselves in.

I still feel giddy each time I write "Heather Nelson" or introduce myself as such. There's also this strange feeling about this "Heather Nelson" person. Who is she really? No one quite knows yet. And yet in the eyes of social security, Pennsylvania, all my credit cards, Westminster Seminary...I am still Heather Davis. And I have to admit that there's a familiarity whenever I am forced to use that name. It's a weird in-between time. A friend asked me this week how it felt to be married, and I had to answer her with, "Honestly, I don't know yet! I think I'm still trying to realize what it means that I am married."

So instead of trying to reflect more, I'll share about the wedding. This picture was taken at the place where my bridesmaids and I got ready--the same place where the reception was held, the Ryan Nicholas Inn (www.ryannicholasinn.com). I'm being escorted by my brothers, with my mom following.

It is also the scene of what I would say is probably the most unexpected moment of the wedding/reception--the moment that was most different than what I had hoped for. Around the corner is a huge grand staircase that opens onto the dance floor. When Seth & I were introduced for the first time as "Mr. and Mrs. Seth Nelson" [note: at the church, the organist started her recessional piece too early and so the minister wasn't able to officially make this declaration earlier, a fact I never noticed until 2 weeks later when my parents told us that!], we walked down the staircase and went immediately into our first dance. We had a few different dance moves we learned during a private lesson, and I was excited for us to "showcase" them.

However, something got in the way. It was my very, very long veil shown in this picture. The idea was to bustle it & the dress up before entering the reception. But in the rush and flurry that are wedding pictures, getting to the reception, etc...the dress wasn't bustled until seconds before we entered (and it was done so by a kind guest who noticed and asked me about it). So...I didn't even realize the veil wasn't up until after we tried our first "twirl." It had a cocoon effect on us, more than the graceful romance we were going for...as the veil encircled us!! Instead of our dance moves, I was focused on yanking the veil out of the way. Ahh, well. Good thing we have a lifetime ahead of us to perfect our dances!

That's all for now...more to come later. Back to apartment organizing...

10 days till the aisle!

2006-08-16T22:58:00.000-04:00

joy, fear, excitement, anxiety, anticipation, friends, family, hopes, dreams, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girl, ring bearer, .... groom ... bride ... and all of these are my own thoughts and concerns as I consider walking down the aisle in 10 days. (don't let this picture mislead you; the wedding is not outside as South Carolina heat would not permit such an option even in late August)

And this isn't the aisle i walk as a bridesmaid; it's the one I walk as a bride.

Therefore all is intensified. all planning, thoughts, dreams, hopes, preparations. I will never walk this aisle the same way as I will walk it on a Saturday evening 10 days hence. This aisle (or rather the marriage covenant i will enter into at its end) will transform me from "Davis" to "Nelson", from "single" to "married," from "Miss" to "Mrs." Who will Heather Nelson be?

I cannot say. No one yet knows. It is strange to imagine this new name, this new identity, that will become mine by an act of God, the state, and the promises of a bride & a groom.

I will walk this aisle on my father's arm; and leave it on the arm of my husband. I will walk it as one of two...and leave it under the declaration of "the two shall become one...what God has joined together, let no one put asunder."

How not to be daunted by this aisle?

It is the face that awaits me at its end. That of my lover, the one who listens when I ramble on about the day's details, the man who loves me even when I am anything-but-loveable, my fiance...who will become my husband. It is my groom's face I will look for, be calmed by, delighted in, assured by. And even more so, the face of Christ that Seth reflects to me in 1000 ways. It is by the strength Christ will give us both that we can make such a covenant "till death do us part." Only in the face of Christ do fears, anxieties, and worries flee. Only in the presence of Christ as the ultimate officiant of this wedding ceremony do we dare make such promises to one another.

time for a new post??

2006-08-03T13:19:00.000-04:00

Wow...time certainly has flown by since the last post! Instead of being overwhelmed with the seemingly endless wedding details & also getting used to some unexpected summer solitude, our wedding is less than 4 weeks away & I'm enjoying the refreshment of a rich relational season as there are bridal showers & meetings with friends. I leave Philly for Greenville in 10 days, then it's 2 weeks until the wedding!! Seth & I have begun moving things into the new apartment where we'll spend our first season of our marriage. It's a reality.

And I'm excited. In the giddy way where I'm waking up with the sun's rise at 6:00 am every morning (which, you know, isn't my nature AT ALL!) and just have a general sense of happiness & joy.

More to come...but I wanted to give some sort of newer update on life as it is over a month after my last post!!

solitude or loneliness?

2006-06-20T12:51:00.000-04:00

This summer has allowed for a lot more time alone than during the school year--since I'm only working 20 hours at World Harvest Mission, and everyone else has more work and/or more traveling and vacation. I'm realizing that as much as I crave solitude during the busy seasons of the year, once I have it...I often don't know what to do with it. And then there's the question of when does solitude morph into loneliness?

I've been re-reading a book by Henri Nouwen called Reaching Out. He begins this book with a treatise on the difference between loneliness and solitude, inviting the reader to move out beyond a restless loneliness to a restful solitude. Only after this point is it possible to truly reach out to others in love--to love them, rather than only be seeking their love. I realize that so much of my "activity" is often a way for me to run away from loneliness...to run from resting in the peace that Jesus Christ invites all of His children into.

Nouwen speaks to this: "When we have no project to finish, no friend to visit, no book to read, no television to watch ... and when we are left all alone by ourselves we are brought so close to the revelation of our basic human aloneness and are so afriad of experiencing an all-pervasive sense of loneliness that we will do anything to get busy again and continue the game which makes us believe that everything is fine after all."

The experience of loneliness is the place where we ask the deeper questions about life and why we're doing what we're doing. For me, it's the place where I find words to express thoughts and experiences. Otherwise "words lose their power when they are not born out of silence." I'm led to beg God for change when I realize how I contribute to a world that is "full of empty chatter, easy confessions, hollow talk, senseless compliments, poor praise, and boring confidentialities."
Here is the goal of movement from loneliness to solitude. It is not merely the "inner peace" trumpeted by so many people in our world today, nor is it some type of religious nirvana on a mountaintop. The point of tending to our own hearts is so that we may have true Life to offer one another.

I close this blog with the contrast Nouwen discusses...and an invitation to join me in offering Life and real words to others borne from solitude: "When we live with a solitude of heart, we can listen with attention to the words and the worlds of others, but when we are driven by loneliness, we tend to select just those remarks and events that bring immediate satisfactions to our own craving needs."

wedding planning!

2006-05-23T01:30:00.000-04:00

The subtitle of tonight's post is: "a.k.a. wedding insanity." As I have been home in South Carolina for a "wedding planning weekend," I have been immersed in aspects of weddings that I have been blissfully oblivious to at the dozens I myself have attended. Such as whether a veil should be ivory or white or diamond white and what sort of edging it needs to have. What flavor cake do I want on each layer? And how exactly should the invitations be worded? Do I really want great-aunt Bertha on the guest list...and if we invite her, do I have to invite great-aunt Margaret on the other side of the family tree? (*note: names have been changed to protect my chance of inheritance...ha, ha!)

For someone like me who is a people-oriented, big-picture person, these details can feel needless at best and frustrating at worst. Isn't a wedding supposed to be about celebrating the marriage of a couple in love? Of inviting friends and family to witness the launch of a life-long covenant between the bride and the groom? The bride wears white, chooses bridesmaids to stand with her; the groom and his groomsmen rent tuxes. Their guests arrive; a minister marries them; they walk down the aisle as Mr. & Mrs., and head to the reception for the first big party in their honor.

What should be so complicated about that? Ah, but it is. There is the tension between getting enough details accomplished so that guests feel honored and welcomed during the whole event while also not forgetting the big picture of why you're planning a wedding in the first place. There is the struggle not to buy into the lies of this wedding industry that say (1) what your wedding is like becomes your value & status in life (2) YOU deserve the best...of everything! (3) your wedding is more important to prepare for than your marriage...and they go on & on & on.

I'm saying no. I'm saying a wedding is much less important than my marriage to Seth. I'm saying that the details have their place, but they are NOT to be consuming or what's most important. I'm saying that there may be (and probably will be) details that are overlooked and we will still have a wonderful wedding. I'm saying that there is danger in getting consumed in the industry of it all. I'm saying that the next 3 months of my life--my friendships, my time, my energy--will not be dominated by the wedding. Through the grace of God, may it be so. Hold me to it if you're reading this right now!

glory revealed

2006-05-15T23:33:00.000-04:00

How is it that it too often takes a tragedy to reveal the glory that always surrounds us? The curtain to eternity has been lifted through the tragic death of a fellow student at Westminster last Thursday evening. There is mystery that enshrouds the circumstances that surround this loss. All of us as a community are shocked and bewildered with the heaviness of such an untimely death.

It is rare for us as a young community to experience the reality of death. Yet it has served to sharpen what I believe about death and how I am to live each day. Eternity is a breath away. It is close. Life is fragile. The lives of those I love are fragile. We are fragile.

Yet our Savior is so, so strong. With a strength that is gentle: "...a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench..." (Isaiah 42.3) He carries his own close, and I know that this brother of mine--though I barely knew him--is gathered close to him right now. He is H O M E !

So there is reason to rejoice even amidst the grieving. There is reason to invest in the relationships around me. To love freely, even generously. Even in the midst of finals.

These exams, this studying, these papers are NOT all there is or even ultimately what is most important. In fact, to make them my life is to miss out on the way eternity pushes into life today. There will be perfect joy then, but there is rejoicing even today. For our Redeemer is pushing back the darkness...of death's sting, of sin's pain, of life's brokenness.

And we were given a tangible picture of that on Saturday morning, as I was blessed with the joy of many friends who gathered for my first bridal shower. It was such a sweet time as they rejoiced with me in God's gift of Seth into my life (and showered me with many fun gifts, from the slightly "scandalous" to the kitchen practical). It left my heart rejoicing at God's gift of so many amazing friends -- that He has given in two short years in Philadelphia.

Richly blessed, we are.

Joy and sorrow intertwine, weaving a story that is both merciful and confusing at times. And so we worship the Unseen One, saying with the psalmist: "even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you." (Psalm 139:12)

the joys and trials of engagement

2006-05-02T22:03:00.000-04:00

We look like a pretty happily engaged couple, don't we? Especially since the backdrop is the gorgeous Southern Gone-with-the-Wind style Inn that was available for our reception. It was our #1 pick, and surprisingly, our wedding date in August was one of the only 4 dates open in 2006. We were amazed at our "luck." Amazed that God would answer a prayer that seems so trivial in the big picture.

However, there have been many, many more decisions since then that have not been so quick or easy. It's been pretty incredible to me to experience how difficult wedding planning and engagement actually can be. It's amazing how many familial conflicts emerge under the stress of such an undertaking. And how raw you become to the person you are promising to spend the rest of your life loving. It's really different from what you see in the movies and the romance novels: a banner waving "happily ever after" as the man and woman ride off into the sunset of bliss together.

No, no--that's not really what engagement is like. (nor what marriage will be like either, from what I hear) What's found instead is a deeper joy than the picture perfect glee painted by the culture of this engagement season. It's a joy like what happend at dinner tonight when we realized that we (1) both actually had a good day (2) on the same day (3) and didn't talk about wedding plans (4) even though finals and papers still loom ahead. Honestly, it feels like a miracle. Certainly a much bigger answer to prayer than our #1 reception place being available.

That's my struggle especially during this season: to keep in mind the big picture. To have a view of life and marriage that is bigger than a wedding. To wrestle with struggles larger than merely what style to choose for the bridesmaid dress. So that I can enjoy what is truly important about the wedding, engagement, and life: relationships. With friends, with family, with my fiance, and above all--with my Creator and Redeemer who makes any of these possible.

It gives a whole new meaning to the Biblical analogy that our time on earth as Christians is like an engagement as we the Bride of Christ await the wedding feast to come in Heaven. There is joy to be found, but it is much deeper than we picture...and it comes mixed in with the angst of waiting and preparing for our Bridegroom.

beyond imagination...

2006-03-29T22:49:00.000-05:00

March 29, 2006

As I traipsed into Central Park with my roommates on St. Patrick's Day, I stopped to take the photo above of the John Lennon memorial near 72nd st. The fresh flowers lining the stone memorial caught my attention, and the simplicity of the one word IMAGINE caught my eye. It was the perfect foreshadowing of an afternoon that would surpass my imagination.

I thought I was en route to a Broadway musical with Jen and Melissa--but this expectation dissipated when Seth called. The conversation was as follows:

S: "Where are you right now?"

H: "Central Park!"

S: "So am I!"

H: "No you're not!! [thinking...he's just kidding me]

S: "Yes, I am. Look to your left!!"

And time seemed to stand still once I glimpsed him standing about 50 yards off walking towards us. I froze. I could not believe it! That I had been tricked...completely unsuspecting! Jen had to remind me to "Walk towards him!" because I was in a state of surreal joy and shock.

He took my hand and led me to Bow Bridge. The next moments are a blur, yet I remember them as if in slow motion. He's reaching for the ring box; he's down on one knee; he's telling me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me; he's asking me to marry him. I'm saying, "I love you, too," I forget to say yes...I remember that I forgot and say, "Yes, yes, yes!" He's giving me a ring. "It's perfect!" I exclaim. We're delighted. I'm overwhelmed with joy. What a beautifully exquisite moment! One I've only imagined could happen to me. One I could never have imagined. Oh, our Father God is good...His love is so evident in these divine glimpses of joy...can the heart hold so much happiness at once?

And that is just the beginning of the story! The evening included a shopping trip on 5th Avenue, dinner with his parents at "The View" in Time Square, and then a weekend trip down to South Carolina from Sat. morning through Monday. Absolutely unbelievable...from beginning to end. For the best part is that this is simply the beginning of our new life together...

Ideas, tips, suggestions, & advice on how to stay sane during wedding planning are all VERY welcome for the next 5 months!

a stolen spring day

2006-03-13T17:32:00.000-05:00

For those of you who live in Philadelphia, you might be thinking that this will describe these 70 degree days we've been experiencing! They have been absolutely gorgeous. In fact, Saturday was definitely one such day. I woke up to the sun streaming into my bedroom, and I could feel that spring was here. There was no shivering as my face hit the winter-cold air of a home trying to save on heating bills. I had a few friends over to celebrate Seth's birthday, and afterwards Seth & I headed out to Fairmount Park (Valley Green entrance) to take a quick hike before hitting the books (or more accurately, the laptop, since I have a paper looming) at our favorite coffee shop in Chestnut Hill.

With the carefree spirit that can only be fully appreciated by those living in the Northeast on such a surprisingly spring-like day in March, I parked my car, threw my purse in the backseat and we set out for a short hike. [lesson #1: NEVER put any valuables in plain sight] Forty minutes later, we returned to the crowded parking lot...only to find the glass shattered of my back passenger window. My first (naive) thought was that there must have been a freak accident because of the change in temperature.

Until I looked inside and noticed what was missing: my school bag, which had my laptop inside it, and my wallet out of my purse. (I was most curious at what they left behind: Seth's backpack, which had his Apple laptop within and all other contents of my purse which were scattered on the seat--including my cell phone and checkbook.) I dialed the police, then immediately called to cancel my credit cards. I found out they had already been used for approximately $280 worth of materials from Home Depot. For over two hours, I was filing police reports, talking to my insurance company, canceling credit cards--doing everything but enjoying the beauty of this spring day.

When the details were sufficiently dealt with, the anger of the injustice of theft began to creep over me. And the sadness of what is lost--forever. It felt like a violation of what I value most: my writings. Many of which were on that laptop, never to be recovered. Irreplaceable. It's still maddening when I think of it. Not to mention the class notes from 6 weeks which are gone. [another lesson: ALWAYS back up work on your computer] And THEN there's the sheer financial cost of covering everything that was stolen. (by the way, car insurance doesn't cover what's stolen out of your car--that would be covered by renter's insurance...which, of course, i didn't have...lesson #3: the cost of renter's insurance IS WORTH IT)

It was surprising to me how emotionally shaking it is to have something like this happen. In the big picture of world tragedy, it's nothing. Miniscule, in fact. Yet the loss I felt (because my laptop IS in many ways the center of my student world!) is an echo of the loss felt by so many on a grander scale around the world. When they returned to their house or store that had been looted by thieves in New Orleans--after being destroyed by a hurricane's flood. It must have been infuriating!

I find myself wanting justice for this person (or group of people). I want them to get caught and to be forced to return what they stole from me. I want to be paid back in full for all that I will have to pay FOR THEIR CRIME against me. This is not fair. And it isn't. But neither is it fair that Someone had to bear the wrath of my crime against God. That HE repaid God for what I could not pay (and am not even sorry for, often).

So then, in my better self -- in who Christ is making me to be -- I want the gospel for this thief. Granted, I want repentance towards me and returning of all my possessions to be part of the effects of salvation in this person. But could I be content if I don't find out until Heaven that this thief gained salvation as a result of what was stolen from me? That somehow by reading through my writings on that laptop or flipping through the words of the Bible in my bag--that God would find this thief as God has found me? And this thief could be amazed by the freedom of grace found in the gospel of Jesus Christ? For even on that moment of death, Jesus Christ died so that one of the thieves dying with Him could be with Him in Paradise. That seems so unjust.

But then -- were it not for the injustice of God, neither would I be in Paradise with Christ. Maybe my laptop will be waiting for me there, too. Certainly much better treasures than all those that were stolen...

signs of spring?

2006-03-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

I heard a bird singing outside my window today--two, in fact. Or maybe more. When I went to the grocery store, the strawberries were on sale. The sun didn't set until about an hour after I walked out of class at 5:00 yesterday. All of these are signs that spring is coming...my winter-laden soul rejoices.

I am home sick today. With a sinus infection, which I got an official diagnosis of this morning. That means that I also have meds that will help me to heal. And a free day from work. Yet I feel guilty that I haven't accomplished more by now. I have books to read, phone calls to make, emails to write. A blog to update.

But spring is on the way. It is coming. I am sure of it. And this minor fact seems to alleviate the boredom and monotony of life as I presently know it. It has been winter for a long time, but spring is coming. Not as quickly as it does in South Carolina, but no less surely. It is coming. It will be here soon.

I am sick, but there will be healing. It is starting now. It is (at least at this point of life) almost certain. I am bored, but there will be vibrancy to come. Memory tells me this. It is the rhythm of life, as sure as the seasons. Spring itself will help to awaken my lethargic soul...or so I hope.

writing...

2006-02-21T19:06:00.000-05:00

Yep, no cute pictures of snowfalls or sunsets this time. Just some words on writing. It's on my mind because I am about to be a published author! Unbelievable...it's been one of my dreams for a long time, but one that I thought wouldn't ever happen. (you know, like the childhood aspirations of being a moviestar or a rock singer)

But in the Winter 2006 edition of the Journal of Biblical Counseling, there is an article by Heather Davis. When I viewed the table of contents on their website, it seemed surreal! (you can see it, too: go to www.ccef.org and look at the publications/journal tab...you can order a subscription, too, if you want) This is the journal published by the counseling center where I'm going to school.

I've gone through the stage of giddy excitement/disbelief...and now I need to gear myself up to submit a few more articles. Any ideas on topics you would like to read about in a counseling journal? I was thinking about writing one on "break-ups" (b/c I've had experience in this area and I don't think there is much published about how to deal with the real, deep pain associated with a break-up). I'd love to hear your suggestions! I'm hoping it will help motivate me to sit down and actually write again--instead of merely being satisfied with my goal being achieved for the first time.

winter glory

2006-02-12T14:16:00.000-05:00

I took this picture an hour ago of a corner on my street. Normally, I wouldn't bring my camera on a walk through the neighborhood. And on a cold February day, I probably wouldn't take a walk through the neighborhood at all! I'm a wimp when it comes to the cold--and I much prefer exercise in the gym over braving the elements from about November through March.

As a South Carolina girl deep inside, I still get giddy about a good snow. (which this 12"+ Nor'easter certainly qualifies as!) I remember the sheer delight of awaking on one morning in South Carolina to a landscape blanketed in snow: my first "big snow" which didn't come until I was 8 years old...and the last "big snow" until I went to college in Chicago. That's probably why snow has maintained its magical quality. It wasn't until moving to Philadelphia last year that I discovered what a hassle snow can be because almost everything continues as normal...and so you have to bundle up, head outside, and shovel within a few hours of waking. All "magic" quickly fades away into back-breaking labor that is guaranteed to leave you sore the next morning and partially frost-bitten.

If you're caught in this (as I tend to be now that I'm acclimated to Philly), I invite you to stop and try to take a second look at this landscape outside your window. It is a picture of redemption.

What is the beauty of a winter landscape without snow? Non-existent...at least in my book! The browns, grays, and blacks just don't call out to me, "GLORY!" (in fact, I more often hear them say--"stay inside & sleep--hibernate till spring") It's nothing to look at, revel in, call attention to.

But then snow begins to fall. Flake by flake covering over the monochromatic wintry world. Clothing it in beauty...mysteriously, dare I say MAGICALLY transforming it into "beautiful." Was it beautiful before? Not really...or perhaps its beauty was hidden. Hidden until the snow came to cover up its ugliness and make it beautiful. Something that people write poems about, draw pictures of, even dare to delight in through sledding or snow-angels or a walk in an otherwise ordinary neighborhood.

I suggest an analogy. We are like that bare landscape until Love finds us. It exposes our glory that was otherwise hidden. Redeeming us by offering His own beauty for our barrenness.

sometimes you gotta dance...

2006-02-03T00:06:00.000-05:00

I love this picture because of what it represents of my friendship with my college roommate. To this day, there is hardly anyone who can make me laugh as hard as she can. And we have also been through some hard, difficult experiences. We have had serious discussions about why the world is as it is and how we can try to make a difference in the wrongs we see.

This inevitably drives us to our knees in prayer to the Living God. As much as we grieve the world's wrongs, He grieves even more so. As much as we wrestle with how to approach these, He--the all-powerful and all-loving One--must do so even more. How to right wrongs that are often due to our collective stupidity as a human race? Where we snub those different from us, alienate the ones we should seek reconciliation with, and even close our eyes to the tragedies that cross our TV screens (and cubicles) daily. I find hope in talking to the One who can see it all at once--and who grieves it infinitely deeper than I do.

His grief is both productive and costly. Productive because it takes the power out from underneath all of these grievous wrongs we observe in society. [our personal and collective stupidity, aka sin] Costly because the price was the one he loved above all others: his son's life. But in that blood, there is a mysterious redemption. Understood best by those who believe it. Whose lives have been changed by it.

Who turns grief into joy...mourning into dancing. So that even amidst the pain and turmoil of the world--felt personally and as we open our eyes to the people around us--we can dance! It feels like a miracle.

I think it is.

enjoying LIFE

2006-01-19T17:19:00.000-05:00

Daylight fades in a glorious display. The bare winter branches are silhouetted against the cerulean blue sky. And it's 5:23pm--which means the days are actually getting longer. (hey, for a girl who LOVES warmth & sunshine, I'll start looking for hints of that favorite summer season as soon as I can!)

I don't have a prefabricated topic to write about or an author's urge to communicate something profound. I just wanted to seize this moment and say...this is life. Isn't it beautiful?

There is something pretty amazing about the quiet moments that come in between the events on my too-full agenda. Yet maybe they are even more precious because of a busy schedule.

I guess that's why we're made to work...but we work in order to rest and we rest in order to work. It's the rhythm of life. I invite you to stop what you're doing at some point before the close of your day--and soak in life. Then write about it or share it with a friend or draw a picture or listen to a song. You've only got one of these things called "life." Soak it up!

New Year's resolutions, Christmas cards, and other things left undone...

2006-01-09T23:14:00.000-05:00

Maybe my first new year's resolution of 2006 should be "to post to my blog more frequently than monthly." But I fear even a resolution as apparently easy and simple like this may go the way of my Christmas cards this year: unfinished (and, let me be more honest: unstarted, unless you count buying the cards and thinking about sending them out as a fair beginning). Why? What has happened between December 8th and today?

I could belabor the point and list all of my accomplished tasks in a bulleted list like this:

completed 3 finals
bought around a dozen Christmas presents for sundry family members and a few friends
dabbled with 2 simple paintings
hosted a Christmas party for 30 friends in South Carolina
attended ___ Christmas parties
flew home to South Carolina ...

...but I imagine that you are already bored with this list. This cannot even begin to capture life. Life is often what happens when blogs don't get posted, phone calls don't get returned, "to-do lists" are left undone, emails remain unanswered. Do you and I in America define life like this? Or do we tend to limit life to the tasks which fill our days?

If I were to write a real New Year's resolution for 2006, it would be to simply live life in all its vitality...which means slowing down, enjoying the moment, refusing to confuse life with a planner full of events. What would I find if I did this?

Relationships. Family. Love. Laughter. Joy. Sorrow. R E S T. God.

What did I really do between now and then? I introduce you to LIFE as I've been living it for the past month...in photos. ENJOY!

My boyfriend, Seth, and I at a friend's wedding

Jess & Tony (soon-to-be-married!), with the radiant Susie and Drew

My family on a walk in downtown Greenville, SC

With my best friend at her apartment in ATL

From the 4 week old...to the older...cousins & relatives gathered in Alabama for Angela's wedding

child-like wonder

2005-12-09T00:01:00.000-05:00

Now that I have finished writing my first 2-hour final (of three) and 25 pages worth of final papers, I will take some much-needed time to reflect with you on the JOYS of this most wonderful season. One of my favorite things about Christmas is the way that the season is designed to evoke a sense of child-like wonder in all of us. What is it that gets you during this season?

Is it the "yule-tide carols being sung by a choir"? Or the fevered--I mean fervored--frenzy of shopping malls as you buy gifts for both people you love and those you should love? Maybe, if you live in a place like Philadelphia, it's the wonder of awaking to the first snowfall that transforms the landscape into a winter wonderland? [i'm hoping for that tomorrow morning] Or possibly the fun of having so many parties to go to during this season? [i already have 5 on my calendar!] Decorating the tree? Christmas baking? Wrapping gifts? Traveling home for the holidays? Lingering under the mistletoe to steal a kiss?

Nothing says "Christmas" to me like decorating the tree with holiday songs as a soundtrack. And then sitting in front of the tree as it is magically aglow, surrounded by those you love--family and friends. Preferably while cradling a mug of hot chocolate.

The only thing that would surpass this is a children's Christmas program. They capture the child-like wonder of the season perfectly. Because they are not pretending! True, their wonder is often tied to "I wonder what Santa will bring me," yet every time I hear a children's choir sing "Silent night, holy night" there is a hush that comes over those who listen. I think we all at that moment wonder at such profound truth sung in such sweet innocence. We all silently ache that we have lost it...and long to know it anew.

The beauty and true wonder of Christmas is that we can have it. It is found in the Child whose birth we all celebrate with our parties (unwittingly though we may be). His glory is hidden in a babe in a straw-filled manger. And hidden with this Child is our hope to recover a child-like wonder.

Obsession with Perfection

2005-11-18T19:42:00.000-05:00

This picture invites me into its perfection. The pillows are perfectly arranged, there's a glass of water on the stand for refreshment when you're parched, and a book on the floor which invites me to jump into the scene that looks like a cover of Real and Simple magazine. It's a white room, with a green flowering plant and dazzling almost-ethereal light behind it. I think this could be a picture of heaven as it would look to me. A place of perfect beauty and rest.

Right now as I sit in my loft-style living room, the setting sun streams in through the window, and I have a few precious moments to reflect, read, and write. Even as I'm reminded that this moment isn't perfect (because the annoyingly loud washing machine is in the background and there are papers due in 2 weeks that I'm evading as well as dirty dishes in the sink that call me), I'm tempted to obsession of why it can't be. Or why perfect days can't last forever. Think about the last time you had a moment that was truly perfect...it can almost bring a sense of sadness or loss because it isn't present now.

In one of my counseling classes this week, we discussed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and learned that one of the traits can be an obsession with perfection. It's what can drive someone who struggles with OCD to perform time-consuming rituals, such as repetitive hand-washing or cleaning. It got me thinking about my own mini-obsessions with perfection. And what happens when I realize I'm not perfect (and neither is my world or the people around me). Where do I go? I don't perform some obsessive ritual (unless you consider my writing about perfection to be a bit OCD!), but I usually try to fix it. I feel somewhat responsible to create a perfect world...and somewhat guilty when I notice that it's not possible.

This could drive me to despair. Yet as I continued to reflect on this phenomena (that is, I dare say, common to humanity), I realized that it's not all bad to long for perfection. There's something in us that's made for it! The Wisdom teacher of the Book of Ecclesiastes says, "he [God] has put eternity into man's heart." We long for perfection because we once WERE perfect. We struggle with falling short of perfection because it's IMPOSSIBLE to be perfect since the Fall (when sin was introduced into who we are as a race). We hope for perfection because we who are in Christ WILL BE perfect when we see Him face to face. I close with what gives me hope in my obsession with perfection that too often pops up: Christ has accomplished eternal perfection for me and I will see glimpses of it (but not the full picture) while on earth which are to be enjoyed as tastes of what's to come. Paul says it best in 1 Corinthians 13:9-13 "For we know in part...but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away....For now we see in a mirror dimly; but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide...but the greatest of these is love."

Autumn's Moon

2005-11-15T20:06:00.000-05:00

This is a poem I wrote my senior year of high school on the front porch swing of my parent's house in Greenville, SC. I was inspired to reread this poem on a crisp autumn night a few weeks ago. Enjoy...

"Autumn's Moon"

The leaves rustle as though
touched
by angel's fingertips
they silently sway
to and fro
blithely dancing
to heaven's invisible music.
God himself has painted them--
Red, orange, yellow, fire
flourescent almost
in the golden sun
Disappearing
beyond the horizon
into the grey-blue mountains
Leaving
only a hint of the warm summer sun
then it's gone.

A fresh, cold breeze
Blowing
turning the child's nose
and cheeks a rosy pink
as she waves to the setting sun.
"Good-bye, good-bye!"
The wind takes her words
to the waiting world
as winter plays its prelude
through her glinting golden locks.
Tender twilight is coming
and going
as God's highlights
begin to disappear
with the autumn moon
Rising.

returning to my roots

2005-10-31T02:15:00.000-05:00

I had the amazing privilege of visiting HOME--or at least within an hour of it--this weekend on a recruiting trip with World Harvest Mission. It reminded me of how much I love the Carolinas...especially at this time of the year. I decided I needed a more creative and a more upbeat blog entry (as the last few have been a bit melancholy), so in appreciation of this weekend, here are my top 10 favorite things I found beautifully familiar:
1. Cajun chicken filet biscuits from Bojangle's--if you haven't had them, you don't know what you're missing
2. Sales people who actually ask if they can help you when you enter the store
3. Freshly paved roads!
4. Sweet tea--emphasis on sweet
5. Strangers who smile at you
6. The 2005 4Runner I rented for the weekend (yeah, it's not southern, but I had to throw it in there. There's about nothing more perfect than a road trip through the NC mountains while driving this baby)
7. A million visible stars in the night sky
8. The way the world feels manageable because the towns are small and the population is low
9. That intangible feeling of "I belong" and "this is home" that awakens you with a smile in the morning
10. People who talk like I do [i.e.: join in with saying such great phrases such as "y'all" and "dang it!"]

Needless to say, God gave much refreshment through this "return to my roots." And yet, there was something oddly refreshing as well when I returned to the super-busy Philadelphia airport. I was wondering where all the people were all weekend. !! And I love my friends here.

alone on the journey?

2005-10-25T01:38:00.000-04:00

Today I was feeling pretty beat-down. It was a Monday morning, and a CLASSIC Monday morning, complete with the depressive feelings after a really fun weekend with friends, a cold fall/winter rain to lure me to stay in bed as long as I could, not getting enough sleep the night before, and a VERY full schedule of working at WHM (world harvest mission), then going to class, followed by another class. Add to that some freshly-illuminated struggles of my heart but no time to deal with them...and you might be entering into this same melancholy with me even as you read this. I felt alone, wanted to be alone, didn't want to have to interact with people. It's a pattern that has increased the more honest I've become with the sin that lives in me, the struggling world surrounding me, and the complication that community always brings.

But I am never alone on this journey of life, and this often-seemingly-impossible journey of walking with Jesus Christ is not a solitary pathway. How sweet of Him to remind me of these very things today! Through some pretty amazing friends. Like Amy Smith, who entered my journey in the midst of her own struggles with faith (read her blog to be encouraged for yourself--it's one of the links).

She encouraged me by letting me know I'm not alone in the fact that it's hard. Here's a part of what Amy shared with me this morning--taken from her most recent post: "I'm realizing more and more how this Christian life just is NOT about getting our act together, our emotions in order, our feelings pumped up. Why do I feel like that's so ingrained into what's being preached by the church? Other Christians? My own heart? When the Gospel preaches that it's about letting Christ lead us into His Arms. Maybe it's because that feels terrifying at times (we don't like to preach about terrifying things :0) when being in His Arms and apart of His Plan doesn't promise "fuzzy, warm feelings" and an easy life. More often than not, it promises circumstances that make us cling to HIm and situations that "feel" uncomfortable, lonely, and puny....but those very situations protecting us from living a strong, easy life forgetting that we even NEED a Savior to rescue us and lead us. If my life was as I wanted it to go - easy, fun, safe - then why would I need a Savior or rescuing? But when life is hard - as it's always been (just read the Psalms!) - I'm forced to realize daily, hourly, just how amazing this Jesus is who didn't leave me in this incredible screwed up, cursed world to fight on my own, but came to save me from it and lead me through it."

Amen, Amy! How true this has been of me today! I really think I've been on an unlucky streak the past 24 hours. Stupid stuff like losing my ATM card and going to the computer lab to try to print ONE paper--and it's the 12th one I try that finally works, when I'm now down to 5 minutes before it's due. I mean, it's crazy how all of these "little" things can be used to unravel me and anger me. Why? Because I don't want to admit how little control I actually have over the world. And I don't trust the One who is ruling the world with the way He's doing it.

If you're one who prays, please pray for me this week. That I will trust God, that He will meet me, that I will gladly surrender the illusion of control and fall into the arms of the Father whose embrace IS full and deep and safe. And who walks with me on this journey...into unknowns & struggles & joys. Comforting me by His very presence with me. Oh help my unbelief!!

the other side of fall...

2005-10-13T14:20:00.000-04:00

...is the melancholy pictured so well by this image. Just days ago, I was exulting in the fresh, crisp air that creates this sense of inward "cozy-ness" pictured by a cup of hot tea and a well-loved book in your favorite nook of your home.

Today, I got into my car and reached out of habit for my sunglasses--then remembered that I don't need them and that I haven't needed them for about a week. For real. We have not seen sun in over a week in Philadelphia. And that gives me time to get melancholic about this aspect of winter coming. I hated that about last winter.

Granted, there were a lot of other very difficult things that made last winter hard. I was going through a very hidden season of glory--and would not be able to see its glory until the season ended. (which coincided with the literal change of seasons) I love sunshine and warm weather and creation and lots of free time with friends. The onset of classes and a regular work schedule and now this dreary chill foreboding winter's entrance...it makes me LONG for full-out redemption and eternal glory. I think heaven will be like year-long summer. With a couple crisp autumn days to give variety--then back to summer again.

Until then, I will try to awake my soul on a dreary day like today with the hope that there is sunshine behind the clouds. And there is a Redeemer at work--though his work may seem hidden behind the darkness we see.

autumn glory

2005-10-01T15:04:00.000-04:00

On a dreary winter's day when the sky is laden with snowy clouds the glory of the heavens is very much hidden. And I often find myself wondering if God is good and even if He exists on days like that.

That's wrong, of course, for me to think this way. God is much bigger than his creation and his glory is permanent--even when I can't see it.

But there is something about the beauty of creation unveiled that can lead me to worship. Like today. I just walked outside to mail some bills, and my unsuspecting heart was met by the beauty of a perfectly blue autumn sky. It's a taste of glory. I want to drink it up--to spend all day outside reveling in it.

Isn't that what glory should do? Make us want to join it? Be saturated in it--transformed by it? How can I pursue this on the days when creation itself seems to be disguised?

I believe it's found in Christ. Who is pursuing each of us through these beautiful glory moments when we are caught off guard. And we remember eternity as what we are made to enjoy. An eternal quality of life--and an eternal existence. One that comes in relationship with the one who IS glory.

I want to invite others in. I'm glad that my roommates and I are having a fall party tonight to celebrate the glory surrounding us today. That's another thing about glory: you want to share it with others. Hence the blog world...I'm glad you're a part of it!

delving into poetry

2005-09-22T02:00:00.000-04:00

I wrote this poem last semester when I was grappling with an inward dilemma of whether or not to trust God. It's hard to give up our (apparent) control to one who is Unseen. And it's hard to be honest with our questions.

"Questions"

Dare I hope?
I dare not hope.
I dare not not hope.

Can I surrender control?
Or control surrender?
Will I surrender controlling surrender?

Are these only words?
And are words only questions?
Or do I question words?

Is life music?
Or is music life?
Can music be found in life?

Is God real?
Or is real God?
Is God the real I can’t see?

Real hope.
Real surrender.
Real words.
Real life.

Gospel: what does it mean to you?

2005-09-16T02:43:00.000-04:00

I was in an amazing class tonight where we discussed "Paradigms for Biblical Metanarrative"--which in non-seminary language is translated, "Different ways of viewing the story of the Biblical gospel." What's ironic is that my professor made an aside about how overused the word "metanarrative" is in blogs. Funny that I couldn't even make it past my second post without using it. And that he in fact inspired me to discuss it.

So it got me thinking about how do I view the story that has defined my life? That I willingly claim identity with? Not because I am worthy of being joined to God, with audacity claiming that I am now his daughter even. I don't act like someone who is in the family with the one who defines love. I'm not a good person--which you would know if you spent a day with me inside my head. In fact, anytime that I am in fact "good," I'm usually doing it with the sole purpose of being noticed for being so good. Which would then mean I am failing to be truly good. A sick cycle of hopelessness and defeat.

All of this brings me back to the question of how I view the gospel and what it means to me. Two of the common themes we discussed were those of fellowship/alienation/union and freedom/bondage/liberation. The three parts are basically: (1) humanity started out good, on good terms with their Creator and creation (2) humanity ruined it by their choice to do what their good God had commanded--and all creation ached with them in alienation (3) God stepped in, fixing the mess humanity had made and in fact bringing them and all creation to a better place than where we first began. Or, I should qualify, beginning the process of bringing humanity (and creation with it) to a better place. We don't have to look too much further than the nightly news to see that in many ways we're still stuck in phase 2. Sin's stain is everywhere--there is much in the world that needs to be made right. And that is the present work of the church. We are to be representatives of Jesus Christ who are bringing better things to people. Giving hope where there is despair; food where there is hunger; relief where there are floods; friendship where there is loneliness; grace where there is condemnation.

Some other ways of describing this 3-part story suggested by my classmates were: health/sickness/new life*dignity/degradation/glorification*abundance/scarcity/feasting*and my own half-joking suggestion: dating/break-up/marriage.

What do you think? Which one do you like? Do you have others to add?

hidden glory

2005-09-13T12:13:00.000-04:00

hmm...my first post. there's a lot of pressure...so I'm just going to start with the quote that inspired the blog title.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." ~the apostle Paul in his 2nd letter to the Corinthians

We are glorious beings. Yet the glory is hidden. Beneath sin, failings, and simply the frailty that comes with being human.

I desire to explore this strangely beautiful dichotomy in which we are appointed as image bearers of hidden glory. And to invite others into this journey with me.